Road Rules
Swimming In Sex

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The Redneck Inquisition

So the next day they drive, and arrive at the university gym. And speaking of the phonetic "gym," guess who is waiting for them as new Mission Mayor? Funnyman Jim Breuer of "Goat Boy" and Half Baked fame! What a gig for Jim. Poor Jim. I guess that Pesci impression didn't really take him as far as he'd hoped. James, meanwhile, reacts like he's meeting the Pope and Holly shakes his hand, mannishly. Man, Jim looks tired. I guess Jim always looks tired, but he looks especially tired here. So, TiredJim explains that the kids are doing a competition against another team, and that the event is worth twelve thousand dollars. Jim goes on to say that their competition might look intimidating, but not to let it scare them. So out from the back of the room comes their competition: It's the Playboy Extreme Team! Six former centerfolds who do extreme sports in some retarded Playboy Enterprises marketing ploy. (We see split screen shots of the Playboy ladies doing crappy sports, one of which I swear looks like Competitive Getting Fucked From Behind In The Water.) The look on Holly's face as they introduce themselves…she's going Scaryteeth all over the place with the grimace, and as the girls explain how they make their retarded living, I suddenly realize how fucking sleazy and mean it is of B/M to have the Road Master talk about body image and then to throw them in front of centerfolds. Women have such massive problems with body image already, why the fuck would MTV, which is supposed to be all "Youth Power" and shit, play into that? ["Because MTV's idea of 'Youth Power' is Britney 'No, They're Real, Really, I Swear' Spears, maybe?" -- Sars] There is no redeeming lesson from this mission. It was just something fucking stupid that the B/M "writers" came up with for RM to say to introduce the mission. Pardon my soapbox, but I hope the girls firebomb the B/M offices when the show is done, strip Bunim and Murray naked, and have the dancers from Sisqo's Shakedown rate their bodies. The hos do a little bit of shit talking, as the two teams' trainers, Christine and Abby, come out. This sequence makes very little sense. As they talk, it seems like these two fairly pretty girls want the kids, and us, to think the mission is stripping. But they're not trying very hard. Jim occasionally tries to be funny and say something, but no one pays him any attention. Neither does Hollywood.

So for a brief second we get eight split screens and my Quasar starts smoking. I think eight is a record so far. Man, that's some good producing! Really gives the show a "look." It's the "Ow, My Eyes, My Fucking Eyes!" look they teach so much about at TV school. Thankfully, we cut away to a shot of everyone being led out to a swimming pool. Here, they are told that the event is actually Synchronized Swimming, marking a nearly undetectable improvement from Babysitting as a mission for this here Maximum Velocity Tour. It is the Maximum Velocity Tour, is it not? Thanks, I just forgot there for a second. The trainers tell everyone that they'll be judged in two categories: I Don't Care Enough To Rewind The Tape And Find Out, and Somebody Bring Me Some No-Doz Please For The Love Of God. They'll also have to wear the assigned swimsuit, and one of the playmates complains, "My boobs are not going to fit in here." Maybe you should have thought of that before you had bags of saline liquid surgically implanted inside them, hmmmm? The boys hold up their required suits and everyone has a good laugh: they are little blue Speedos. So Jim Breuer was apparently quickly sent away as the kids and the hos begin training in the gym, learning routines on dry land. Kathryn keeps correcting everyone and the boys look annoyed.

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Road Rules

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