Road Rules
Swimming In Sex

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The Redneck Inquisition

Jesus! The show is nearly over and they're just now getting to the event? I thought this would definitely be a two-parter with the competition next week. Okay, this must have been the worst event yet, if they're going to cram it all into one minute. Heads are rolling at B/M. Okay. Let's do it as quickly as they do. Shot of swimming pool. Somehow B/M have gotten a "crowd" together, and all I can do is wonder how much they were paid to cheer. The Playmates are introduced, followed by the kids. James mugs to the camera. The hos go first. They couldn't be less in sync. (I hate that stupid boy band for making me forget how to actually write that correctly.) This makes me actually long for real Synchronized Swimming. The hos finish and cheer, and one of them yells, very seriously, "Kick ass!" So the kids start their routine, and it's lame and awful and the crowd chants, "Theo." The B/M fuckers try very hard to make the thing look even slightly better than the speed-skating mission, but they are even less skilled at this. It looks more like that old SNL skit about Synchronized Swimming with Martin Short than actual Synchronized Swimming. Hee, at one point the boys lift Msaada about an inch out of the water, and the judges laugh, "That's the lift," and write horrible things on their score sheets. Things like, "Why did I choose to be a judge for such a horrible sport," and "Dear God, what have I done with my life," and "Ooh, I think k.d. lang has a new album out." The Playmates whisper and laugh, and the routine ends with the boys taking off their suits and waving them around and the crowd yelling. The judges give the hos a thirty-four. Our kids get a thirty-five. They win. Ah, suck! The kids cheer and jump into the water and Holly does a scary little victory dance with her butt all out. The Playmates pout, but they really shouldn't be upset. The kids only have this -- this is assuredly the highlight of their lives. The Playmates can always go back to showing their vaginas to strangers for money. There is actually a medal presentation, but neither I nor the crowd stick around to see it.

Back at the hotel, Kathryn voice-overs that Theo was right, and that she wanted to leave because Theo's impression of her was so bad. Oh. My. God. She bought into it. Maybe Theo is smarter than he looks. Gawd! A shirtless Theo talks alone to Kathryn about how mad he was, and she thanks him for setting her straight, and his voice is all husky, which is very scary on many levels, and they hug…and then Kathryn asks him if he wants to go to the bathroom…

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Road Rules




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