You know how when you have a really good cut of filet mignon, it kind of ruins regular steak for you? Or when you drive a Lexus with leather interior, it makes your shitty car seem all the worse? Or when you have sex with a supermodel in a private chateau on the Côte D'Azur high on ecstasy while Radiohead performs a private concert on your balcony, regular love-making never quite seems the same? Well, along those lines, I never should have accepted the assignment to recap The Osbournes. I should have stuck with shows the crap level of The $treet and Chains of Love, because to go from Ozzy to yet another season of Road Rules makes this show -- the show that keeps staying around, regardless of the long, odd, upswing and downswing in the popularity of reality programming, regardless of the relative wackness of each season, and regardless of whether anyone at all is watching -- seem like caca squared. Cubed, even.
Fuck it. Let's start. Steve and the returning-to-chub Blair introduced the new cast in a "Best of" (ha) retrospective on the long-running show last week. I'm not sure why they didn't do the Casting Special (unless I just missed it) or the weekend-long thing they did last year. (Ooh, speaking of which, I saw a girl the other day on the street and I was staring because she had massive breasts and it looked like she was bald, but when I got closer I saw it was the snake-meanness of Coral, waiting to cross the street. I almost threw my Jamba Juice at her.) I guess B/M has finally become like the rest of the world, and they just don't care. In fact, I'm pretty sure B and M haven't seen an episode since, say, Season Four.
Anyhoo, they launch right in, like, half a second after the end of the repeat of Jisela and crew's last show, into the new "This Season On..." where we get a barrage of images of The Same Old Shit. College kids cheering. Boot Camp people yelling. Our new kids crying. Tandem bungee. Car stunts. Beam walking. Pole sitting whilst kids chuck shit. Pudding wrestling. A slap. A lesbo kiss. The obligatory Interchangeable White Couple kissing. (Ooh, I forgot Ellen last year! How diverse, B/M.) The kids Stepping at a black college. Posing nude. Alligator wrestling. Flashing titties. Gay kiss. Interracial kiss. Bag o' money. Sad montage of Having To Vote Someone Off. And...that's it. If only the whole season could go that fast. If only this fucking hour-long first episode could go that fast.