Road Rules
The Woodie Crawl

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On a field, Ron says they could win this scooter, but it has an Italian name and I don't feel like giving the company another plug. Now they're inside and he's wearing a doctor's coat. He tells the kids the mission is "the famed" Freshman Fifteen. They have to gain fifteen pounds in four hours, as a group. Yikes. Kendal reminds us that they just ate a big meal. The rules are that they have to go knocking around and get food from students' rooms, but no take-out or even left over take out. Just crap private student stash. They also are only given about sixteen ounces of water to drink. The Manasi girl looks like Meadow Soprano, and seeing how big a media whore that girl has been lately, I wouldn't be surprised if this were her new gig. At least it's better than robbing NYU kids at knifepoint. That's not a good hobby for an off-season Soprano kid. The teams are split to Rachel, Shane, and Eric. Then Kendal, Sarah, and Darrell. They get weighed, which is really just another excuse to get the kids into their underwear. I'm not complaining. Shane is 165. Rachel is 129. Eric is 185. Darrell is 176. Kendal is 123.5. Sarah is 141. Wow. Shane is only twenty pounds heavier than Sarah. Also, now at least we can figure out exactly how much lighter the RV will be after Sarah leaves. The kids cheer, "Fat kids!" Ironically, that's a new Nickelodeon show, premiering this fall.

So the kids take off and start knocking on doors. If they knocked on my door in college...well, first of all I'd be high or drunk or both. Secondly, I'd only have Budweiser and maybe some chips to offer. But thirdly, I'd tell them to fuck off and get their own food. Some kid has Hot Pockets. Someone has ravioli. Someone has waffles. More eating. Eating. Kendal is happy because she wanted a Hot Pocket but was worried about the fat. Eating. Eating. This is kinda gross. Kendal burps as Sarah tells us everything they've eaten. Shane tells us he feels sick. The kids ride back down to the elevator, feeling sick. They decide to weigh themselves, halfway through. They all need 1.5 pounds more. Kendal is frustrating. There is talking here, but it's just so stupid. They lie around and bitch, Rachel assuming that the other girls aren't going to want to carry their weight, bad pun unintended. Rachel is going to be pissed if the other people are slacking. They go to look for more things to eat. I hope someone tells Rachel that pussy doesn't count. Commercials.

Eating. Eating. Rachel gags. Eric is sick. Kendal is sick. Shane eats canned peaches. Yuck. Eating. Sarah says that there is no way they can lose this. Yeah, because you'd be outta here then. Eric is making a burger on a George Foreman. Their team eats it. Then they're done. They arrive back downstairs and Sarah tells us that Kendal is two steps away from puking. The Mayors arrive back for the final weigh-in. Kendal gets up. She's 126.1. She gained 2.6 pounds. Rachel has to fart. She gained 3 pounds. Darrell gained 3.5 pounds. Eric gained 4 pounds. Sarah in her underwear gained 2.5. She points out very loudly that she pulled her sixth of the weight gain. And with just those five, they made their 15. They made it! They won the scooter! Why aren't you all cheering? Get up! Can't you feel the drama? No? Where are you going? Back to bed? No, don't. The best part is coming up. The part that B and M think will make them competitive with the other hot reality shows. Yes: the puking!

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Road Rules

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