Road Rules
Theo Takes A Leap

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My Momma Told Me

Previously on Road Rules…no previously. Not worth rehashing last week's mess, I guess. So the Graphic of the Stupid reads, "Tonight on RR 09." The Shasta. Parked. Nighttime. Blue light signifying nothing -- well, signifying that the be-hated Road Master is on his way, which is equivalent to nothing. I have the show paused on a shot of Theo and my cat runs up and bats the screen. I know how you feel, baby. I already tried that. Didn't work. James yells something that begins with "Let's hear it, bro…" Let's not. Sure enough, the ol' Bloated One comes on the screen as the kids watch, laughing and smiling as usual over what must be in-jokes about the Road Master that B/M won't let us ever hear -- lest the actor playing the dude have his feelings hurt. Does "lame-o hack" hurt? Yeah, I guess it might. So the doofus starts babbling, chewing the scenery like no one since Sally Field in the graveyard scene in Steel Magnolias. "I've spent hours and hours watching each of you. Know what I see? You're all so guarded. You'd hate it if everybody got to know the really you." Holly sticks out her tits oddly and smiles because…I don't actually know why. Maybe she just loves the idea of everyone getting to know her. RM blathers on, "Well, Life Bites!" This sends James into hysterics, as he makes a mental note to rent every movie this guy's been in cuz he's Just That Funny! Blah. Catchphrase. E-mail. He disappears. James cracks open the orange iBook, first quickly closing down one-hundred and fifty-eight browser windows, all on different areas of www.naked-rugby-hunks.com. The kids read that they have to head to an auditorium at Emory University. That's Atlanta, right? How wrong is it that we have to fucking gather clues and Columbo together where the hell this stupid show is taking place each week? The kids guess that they're taking a lie-detector test or playing Truth or Dare. If they are playing a game, I hope it's Scrabble. I'd love to see Theo pull the "Q" and his brain explode. And…opening credits.

Daytime. Shasta rolling. Graphic of Stupid says, "Take a Leap." I think it says "Take a Nap" and instantly fall asleep for three hours. When I wake up, Msaada and Theo are talking while Kathryn ruins everything by simultaneously engaging in another speaker-phone call up front. I swear I hear the words "penis" and "vodka" during the course of her conversation. Hey, maybe she's keeping her promise to hang out with Heel Cancer Boy when she gets to New York. Msaada asks Theo about his mother and the near thirty-year age difference between her and Theo's late father. She doesn't ask about the much-less-wide gene-pool difference between the two, but them's some murky waters there and she probably just doesn't, you know, want to pry. Floaty Msaada says she doesn't know much about Theo and his mom, except that they don't talk very often. Theo yodels that he got in a lot of trouble at home with drugs and general Deep South mischief and "got kicked out." Floaty Theo chaws about not having a good relationship with his mom and how he finally "walked backwards across the Welcome mat" and went to live with friends' families. Theo tells Msaada that he has about three or four women he considers to be "Mom." Man, Theo's mother must be so proud. Floaty Blue Cheek Star Theo floats over himself and says that he "totally made [himself] into who [he is] today." And for that you're…what? Proud? Deeply regretful? Able to see the irony in praising yourself for turning out so fucking strange?

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Road Rules

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