Road Rules
Theo Takes A Leap

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My Momma Told Me

They pull into Emory University as the crack (with a capital "C," folks) B/M editing staff does some multi-screen effects with their souped-up Atari 2600. The kids jump-edit their way into the auditorium hall, where they hear the sounds of a full crowd waiting for them. James and Holly both bounce, competing in an impromptu game of "Who Loves, Nay, Needs Attention More" (by Milton-Bradley). They walk down the aisle of the packed school auditorium (well shit, having to watch the kids from Road Rules for an afternoon is at least marginally better than taking that midterm) just lovin' themselves. Holly goes Scaryteeth and James just keeps on bouncing. The kids takes seats on stage as "Local Radio DJ" and now Mission Mayor Steve Barnes (fucking love his afternoon "Hot Oldies" show -- love it) introduces himself to three claps from the audience and makes a joke about butts that prompts a cricket in the rafters to start rubbing its legs together as a tumbleweed rolls across the stage. MayorSteve says something about them needing partners; a door in back opens, and out walk the cast's mothers (plus Msaada's father). They are all normal and parental-looking, though yes, they should be ashamed of themselves for allowing the B/M-holes to convince them to come on the show. (Whether some of them should be ashamed for raising the kind of child they did is your call.) Floaty James says something about seeing Theo's mom and calls her what sounds like "elder." It actually sounds like he started to say "elderly" but stopped himself. (In fact, Theo's mom doesn't look that old and is pleasant-looking…in that "spent fifty years doing the warsh down in the crick" sort of way.) The kids react to their parents. James busts some Vanilla Ice moves of excitement as the rest seem genuinely happy. And then there's Theo. Theo looks miserable and claps once and mouths "Mom?" not too happily. Sort of like the way in school he used to mouth "Reading?"

As the mini family reunions go on and B/M pumps in the crowd noise to mask the fact that the audience got bored three minutes ago, the Graphic of Stupid says, "Parent Trap," and MayorSteve tells the kids that the "game show" is called the Parent Trap. Road Rules is a Stee Trap. Floaty Theo says something about an atomic bomb and that he and his mom are like "a couple of ducks caught in the headlights." Where does Theo drive where there are ducks all over the road? No, seriously…where does he drive? I want to make sure I never take my car anywhere near that city. Manipulative editing makes Theo and his mom look more uncomfortable than they are. MayorSteve introduces the parents. Oh man! When introduced, Holly and her mother go twin Scaryteeth. A big ol' Scaryteeth duet. Too much. Must fast-forward. Damn, Laterrian's mom looks like she's about twenty-eight. She's actually kinda hot. Holly looks like she has more miles under her hood than MamaLaterrian. Mayor Steve exiles the kids to his "sound-proof dungeon" while he talks to the parents. Dungeon? I think MayorSteve just Freudian-slipped out a little too much information about his off-air personal life. The crowd "ooohs" (read: B/M sound-editors) as MayorSteve tells the kids that their parents will be asked some questions and then they'll be asked the same questions and whoever…dude, it's the fucking Newlywed Game. We get it. Floaty Msaada is once again relegated to doing to the exposition, explaining something about each question they get right being worth a "star" (no Cheek Stars of death, I hope) with a possible twelve stars -- however, she looks totally confused, like she's reading cards and doesn't really understand. And indeed, what is not explained (and never becomes any clearer) is whether or not they are working as a team, and why only twelve points when all counted there are like thirty-six answers between the six teams and blah blah blah. Who cares? They do stupid shit. They do it well, they get paid. Next.

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Road Rules

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