Road Rules
Theo Takes A Leap

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My Momma Told Me

I'm better now, thanks. MayorSteve gives the kids ten tokens (worth a thousand bucks each), and then proceeds to hand out gifts to the parents as well. The parents are all excited and they open the wrapper to find…framed photos of their kids. "Fucking great," they seem to be thinking. "We just jumped off a fucking crane! At least give us a DVD player. Fucking video-capture picture in a K-mart frame? Eat me, B/M. Eat me raw." Well, at least that's what I would say. Theo earns fifty bucks from B/M by voice-overing how his mom hasn't had a picture of him in over a year, so this is a really great present. For some reason we get six, yes SIX, screen images of the stupid framed Theo photo as His Hickness says, "Let's go hang out with our moms, yo." Theo's the yo.

Restaurant. Theo and MamaTheo/James and MamaJames eating. Graphic of Stupid reads, "Okay With It." Quick montage of what looks like a rather uncomfortable dining experience as Theo voice-over babbles about how good it was to see his mom, and how he's getting older and realizing they don't have a lot in common, and that he's learning new things and he's going to let time take its course, but it was good to see her and she looked good and she was happy to get to see him too. Basically he really says nothing, which for once is okay, as this kind of stuff is hard and not necessarily solvable with one tandem bungee jump. We see Theo and his mom hug and say goodbye at her hotel room door as he continues to voice-over-yodel about how he has an emotional hole in him in terms of affection, but "those scars are being healed every day." And…freeze on Theo's face, like the end of an episode of CHiPs or something.

Next up on Road Rules…Kathryn drives and Holly looks on as Kathryn tells James, "You have a silver spoon up your ass." James responds angrily, bringing up the fact that Kathryn is in a swank sorority and warning her to never say that he has a silver spoon up his ass. Hmmmm. Something tells me he's heard that one before. Cut to a Monster Truck race. An instructor tells the kids that they'll be disqualified if they hit the wall or anything else. Shot of a truck almost tipping over and "announcers" saying, "Oh, that hurt!" It sure did.

Over the credits, Laterrian his mom stand together as she tells the camera that she watches Road Rules, and that she asked Laterrian not to do anything to embarrass her. Oooooh, you're a few episodes too late, lady. Now on Kathryn and LooseBladderMama, who says that she would have liked to be on the game show earlier when Kathryn was younger -- when she had more control over her. Next, Twin Scaryteeth as MamaHolly says, "I love her anyway. She's a pretty wonderful person." Holly-ho-ho fucking cracks up and says that it's her mom's favorite line, "I love her anyway." Now Msaada and DaddyMsaada. He says, "Lemme say that I'm a Christian, and if you guys are watching this, you're probably lost anyway. But it's not too late." Msaada runs away, she's laughing so hard. So now I like her whole family. I wish while he's down there he would go over and kick the shit out of B/M until they give Msaada more screen time. Short of early cancellation, that's the only thing that could make me happy at this point.

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Road Rules




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