Road Rules
Unfair Warfare

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Saving Private Steven

Another short bus. Driving. They're supposed to go to Fort Dix (heh) in Jersey. Katie guesses that they're going to boot camp, and Ellen says that she doesn't want to do this and be yelled at to go "faster, faster!" (No, that's Adam's job.) They arrive at Fort Dix/McGuire Air Force Base; Steve floats that his dad is in the military and he wants to be just as successful in the military as his dad has been. The military must not pay much if he had to raise his son in a box. They are greeted by a friendly if creepy-looking guy named Captain Winters. He welcomes them to the Air Force Fitness Readiness Program. Ellen says this mission is "the big dog." The kids put their shit away in a room as Blair asks Steve questions about military life and Steve explains that he's not "playing solider" but that he's taking this very seriously. They theorize that Katie and Ellen are going to be terrible at this mission.

Cut to...Ellen in her room putting on green eye makeup because it blends with her fatigues. Man. As Steve tells Blair to tuck in his shirt, Blair floats that this is the mission Steve cares about most and thinks he's better at than everyone. I can't tell if this is a dis or not.

Now Winters is training them in a classroom. He explains that they're no longer in America but in Stacklat, a bordering country of Ozlahnd. They explain to the kids -- who look soooo bored -- that they have a humanitarian crisis in Ozlahnd and they'll help medics help people in Ozlahnd. (This mission seems part cool, and part kinda gay.) Speaking of...Sophia camera-talks that they're going to spend two days in Ozlahnd to rescue and help the wounded; she thinks it's going to be "cool," and she's going to feel like Saving Private Ryan. Yes, except for the fact that...oh, never mind. Yes, Sophia. That's exactly what it's going to be like. Another trainer talks about the medical "emergencies" they might encounter, and Katie asks a dumb questions about amputations and limbs just "falling off" and Steve laughs and Katie tells him to shut up. Ellen left-eyes that they're all too sick of each other right now to come together as a team. They go to do "equipment issue."

The kids get their stuff, which includes laser harnesses which go off if they get "hit" during the training mission. A soldier who looks like Hitler demonstrates it. If the sound goes off on the harness, you're hit and are no longer playing. Blair helpfully explains that it's like multi-million dollar laser tag. Thanks, Blair. Go have a pie.

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Road Rules

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