Road Rules
Unfair Warfare

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Saving Private Steven

Now dressed in fatigues and on the field, Staff Sergeant France does some more training. Maybe Katie heard one of the teacher's names was France and somehow thought that's where they were going. He leads the kids through "Rush and Roll." The kids run and drop and run and roll and crawl and he's yelling and "it's a team effort!" and now it's raining and they're done running and shit. Man, I would like to be France for a day and get to make Adam and Ellen drop and roll and crawl and run into a tree and shit. I sort of think, after all this time, I deserve it. Now France is telling them the importance of teamwork, and how if they lose a man or two on their team, that's less people they'll then have on that team. Hmmm. Good point. Sophia gives the Quote of the Day as she floats, "If someone got shot, that would just suck." Indeed, dog. They are going to do a training mission, and France explains that they'll need leaders to make quick decisions, and Steve floats that his dad is a Lieutenant Colonel and he is just like his dad in terms of being a leader and Sophia agrees and he floats that Adam is going to be leader of one group and he'll lead the other. Um, I'd want to be on Steve's team. Adam floats that Steve is leading and he's just "bringing up the rear." Oh, Adam. Why do you have to make it so easy for me?

The mission starts and people are "firing" at them through the trees and the kids drop in the mud and France is helping them, asking them what they see down that road, and there's a dead "body" and they run to it and drop and there is pink smoke and firing and Katie is laughing and France is yelling that someone needs to be a leader as Adam voice-overs that no one needs to be Rambo and Steve voice-overs that they need to hurry and get the body out of the war zone and alla sudden Steve's harness goes off -- he's hit. Commercials.

Adam floats that their leader is down and he's not sure what to do and Blair voice-overs that Steve let them down. What? He got shot, you bitch. There are kids jumping in the mud and smoke and now Katie is eliminated. Two of the kids are grabbing the dummy as Katie voice-overs that Steve is mad -- more mad than she's ever seen him. She jokes that Steve even said a bad word, and "Steve doesn't cuss." Blair is shot, too. (No, not really. Pretend shot. Unfortunately, there are no real bullets.) Adam floats that the downed body is really heavy, and they're trying to carry it via stretcher. They finally get it up, and I'm sure France just tells his men to stop firing because it's way too easy and they run and arrive with the body on the stretcher. The Graphic of Stupid tells us that they failed the training mission. France is nicely telling the kids that they suck and asking what the fuck's wrong with them, and what do they need to work on not to suck so badly and get everyone killed in the "real" mission tomorrow -- but in nicer words. I'm pissed because I thought there was going to be people yelling and making them do push-ups with their faces in the mud but I guess the military is trying to get people to want to join. I miss Lou Gossett Jr. And yes, I realize I might be the only person in the last eight years to say that. Steve floats that he has high expectations of himself and he failed and his dad is going to see this and it's going to "eat him alive." It's going to eat his dad alive? Probably, though, just the mere fact that he agreed to be on this show in the first place is what really hurts. Back at the base, Blair tells Steve, "It's okay to die." He should have told Kevin that last week.

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Road Rules

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