Rock of Love

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A Ride On The Wild Side

Previously: Sparks flew between Bret and Daisy. Sadly, they did not melt her waxen face. Kristy Joe had mad issues, including being still legally married and being an enemy of the majority of the other girls in the house. Boo hoo hoo. And, finally, it was the end of Roxy and the incomparably frightening yet incomparably amusing Angelique. At least we can take solace in the fact that we'll likely see her again one day in an ad for labiaplasties. Well, if we take the bus.

It is night, following elimination. Bret, obviously tormented by the stress of sending two women home, does a little soft shoe. He looks really fucking high. In that house I suppose it's a prerequisite for survival. Bret gives a brief toast to the departed women, then says that for the rest of them it's time to get down to makin' bacon. Aww, that reminds me of Pigmania, one of my favorite childhood games. There were pigs for dice, and you got points based on how they landed relative to each other. If the pigs touched each other -- the position known as "makin' bacon" -- you lost all of your points and a turn. I'm sure it was some subliminal Reagan era abstinence propaganda. On a side note, I could really go for some bacon right now. Daisy tells us that everyone is being friendly and hanging out, but she doesn't want friends, she wants Bret. Sometimes I think all the collagen in her face kind of slides up and that's what makes her eyes look really puffy. In any case, she's ready to step up and let him know it. The blow jobs are starting early this season, eh?

Bret, standing at the kitchen island surrounded by his bevy of beauties, turns to Aubrey and says, "What are you doing, freak?" And to think that later on in this episode Aubrey will question Bret's feelings for her! Bret thinks that Aubrey is staring at him like she either likes him or wants to kill him. Okay, he ALWAYS thinks that about someone. You know it all started way back when with C.C. DeVille. Get some therapy, man. Wasted Bret is ready to retire. He walks right around Aubrey and then gives a bunch of other girls kisses goodnight. This does not go unnoticed by Aubrey, who feels like she's invisible. Actually, much like Clay Aiken, she might stand a better chance if she actually were invisible. Oooh! Quick poll! Who would you rather have invisibly watch you in your room: Aubrey or Clay Aiken? That's a really sizeable pros and cons list if you ask me. I think Bret even goes to kiss Catherine, who is wearing a two-piece thermal pajama set with furry boots. She's like 1964 Playmate Colorforms. Daisy is horny for Bret and asks him if she can walk him to his room. He says absolutely. And then she goes IN his bedroom and, according to Kristy Joe, doesn't come back. They make out sloppily. Daisy asks, "Can you blame a girl?" Oh, and how. Bret has an incredible amount of physical attraction to Daisy and wants to REALLY get to know her. I would too, just to see which of her parts squeak. It would be like having sex with a dog toy.

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Rock of Love

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