Previously: Taya was named Penthouse Pet of the Year, and it only made her more annoying. The spectacle of Bret and Ashley boning was so traumatic that Kami voluntarily left the tour. And poor Kelsey had a breakdown of such severity that she took solace from a speedbump and was summarily eliminated. But only after drunkenly announcing that she doesn't give a fuck about Bret! Awesome.
It is morning, and the Rock of Love Bus appears to be parked outside of a church. Maybe the only way to truly cleanse it is to go through the holy water car wash? The ladies are still holed up in their Birmingham hotel. Farrah is super-sad that her drunken partner in crime, Kelsey, has been eliminated, and can't believe that they're down to seven broads. The girls head to the bus and get Bret Mail: "Hello my sexy seven. Say goodbye to Birmingham and hello to the Redneck Riviera - Panama City Beach, Florida. The further down south we head the hotter it's bound to get. It's time to get more cozy. Load out of the blue bus, and pile on to the pink one." Ashley is perturbed about the fact that the pink bus is getting exponentially lamer. Now she'll have to share her Lean Cuisine stuffed cabbage. Mindy is also sad, given that the blue bus was a sanctuary of sorts for its lame inhabitants. She solemnly says, "Bye blue bus." The blue bus beeps, "Bye, Mindy," because the editors were drunk that day.
The girls unload in Panama City and are excited about the prospect of getting some sun, which will hopefully help to eliminate those festering sores for good. Instead of a hotel, the girls are staying in a condo/suite type establishment right on the beach. There's one tiny room with bunk beds, which is immediately claimed by Taya and Mindy. I'm sure they're going to braid each other's hair and tell ghost stories and compare vulvas into the wee hours of the morning. Farrah appears to want to jump off of their balcony, but Ashley stops her with the promise that Bret will one day allow her to be involved in a threesome with them. Big John enters the suite with new swimwear for all of the girls and instructions for them to meet him by the pool in an hour. Farrah and Ashley head straight for the smallest bikini tops, because you don't buy boobs just to cover them up with a medium-sized piece of skimpy material.
When the girls finally head poolside they have a bit of a surprise. Bret is not standing by the regular adult pool, but by the kiddie pool. Mindy, in an obvious attempt to court favor with Mr. Wassagoinon himself, interviews, "What's...a-going on here?" Bret is standing with a group of women whom he says are either current military or have husbands who are overseas in Iraq. He says that they're going to take care of these women in the best way they know how. Ply them with tequila, serenade them with an acoustic version of "Something to Believe In," and then watch them make out with each other? In fact, no. These ladies are going to get a day off to enjoy a manicure, pedicure or any other sort of cure (tequila). The girls clap until they learn their job for the day: to take care of the kids. I hope the production staff has Child Protective Services on speed dial.