Rock of Love
Bikini Day Care

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Children of the Scorn

The kids, who I'm guessing have just been fed a lunch of pixy stix and crystal meth, run out. Brittanya tells us that she's no good with kids. This is inconvenient as she has one of her own. She tells us that she never had any babysitting jobs, and if she had she wouldn't have gotten pregnant. The camera lingers on her for a moment, just so we can fully digest that. The girls are going to have to throw a pool party, and the kids will be the judges and determine who the best "mommy" was. My vote is for whichever one manages not to burn them with a cigarette or vomit in the pool. This fabulous lady will get an awesome date with Bret. Taya tells us that her son is like five kids rolled into one. And how lucky he is to be able to see the birth canal from whence he came in glorious Technicolor. The girls have two hours in which to permanently scar the little beasts. Bret reminds us that he has two daughters of his own, and would like for his girlfriend not to kill them if left unattended. He heads back to his hotel room where he can spy on them thanks to the Creepy Bret Cam!

Beverly has three kids of her own, so thinks she should have this situation under control. She reads the kids the rules of the pool, and cracks up when she gets to the one where they're not supposed to drink alcohol. One funny little fat kid who is perhaps the reincarnation of Chris Farley makes a gagging noise and says, "Ew! I hate that." As Bret watches this scene with Big John, he notes that if he and Beverly don't work out on a physical level, she can be their tour manager. She then begins to organize a water balloon fight. One very proper little girl uses the face paints to put a bikini on one of Ashley's naked lady tattoos. Taya decides to hold an impromptu competition to see who can do the most jumping jacks, and mini-Chris Farley has the presence of mind to stop and just stare at her boobs as she jumps.

It doesn't take long before the kids get completely crazy and the girls lose control of the situation. Even Bret is compelled to yell, "No running by the pool!" from his hotel room. One kid puts a bucket on his head and totally wanders off to the hot tub area, and no one notices but Bret and Big John. Finally, Ashley of all people is the one who finds him and brings him back to the fold with promises of dumping water on the heads of others. Bret is impressed. Ashley interviews that her son is her life and she really does know how to take care of kids. When she's not getting wasted and dropping her pants on national TV. I'm just saying. But in fact, she really does seem to be quite good with them and actually enforces the "no running by the pool" rule. She interviews that she may dance on the weekends, but Monday through Friday she's a stay at home mom. Aw, Ashley has layers! The bikini-painting girl tells Ashley that she's probably going to be the one who gets "the hot date with that boy." I think kids sense that she totally understands that sometimes everybody poops their pants. Bret is now fully in love with Ashley.

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Rock of Love

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