Well, folks, this is it. The EPIC FINALE of Rock of Love: Bus. Let's review where we've been, shall we? That's the way to pinpoint when the burning sensation started, and who was in close proximity at the time. It all began with a bus and a bandana and a gaggle of skanks. Early on Bret took a shine to Penthouse Pet Taya. Taya was a good friend of Mindy, also known as the Eeyore of whores. Ee-whore. But she showed grit and determination and played a mean Mudbowl. Bret felt connected with her, especially when she wore her leopard and mesh lingerie. Meanwhile, even Mindy got sick of Taya and her Penthouse-promoting ways. Taya claimed to be promoting nothing but her accomplishments. Taya has accomplished photogenic labia. Mindy claimed that she always loses in the game of love. If she had studied up on her Cher, she would have known from the outset that the way of love is a way of woe and not put any effort into this farce. In a shocking turn, Taya and Mindy's friendship was annihilated along the road to the finals. Now they must battle it out for the faux-love of an aging rockstar and his wig.
It is a lovely day in wherever the girls are. Mindy and Taya apply their makeup, and Mindy complains how Taya always has long and pretty hair, while in her 30-odd years of existence on earth Mindy hasn't figured out how to manage hers. It's a sad and boring tale, and thus completely representative of Mindy herself. Mindy interviews that it looks like Taya is the perfect Bret Michaels girlfriend. She's born and bred to date a rock star, while Mindy is just boring old Mindy. Well, when she puts it that way it really doesn't make it seem like much of a competition. Bret greets the girls with scraggly mini-dreads and seats them at a breakfast that's been set up. He tells us that he has the Penthouse Pet versus the girl next door. He's going to have to dig a whole lot deeper to find out if there's something that's real. On Taya, he has a 30% chance of finding what he seeks.
Bret asks Mindy why choosing Taya would be the wrong thing to do. Mindy says that she -- meaning Mindy herself -- keeps getting better physically and emotionally, then chomps her teeth like a beaver. Bret asks Taya what about her would have made this work better. What does that even mean? Taya, who understands Bret's secret nimrodian language, says that she doesn't pretend to be perfect, adding that when Mindy gets ready she puts on four or five different outfits while Taya just throws on the first stripper gown she sees and is ready to go. Bret notes that technically Mindy is low-maintenance woman and Taya is a high-maintenance woman. However, spending ten minutes on your makeup doesn't compensate for the ten hours you spend having mood swings. Bret requests that if Taya and Mindy have a catfight that it involves smearing butter on each others' breasts. This is the prize they're fighting for, ladies and gentlemen! Taya reminds us that she and Mindy are now frenemies, neither one of whom seem all that opposed to the recreational use of cream cheese and maple syrup.