Yes, bitches, that's right. TWoP is weecapping Rock Of Love. Grab your bandana and hold on tight, because we're going to give you the ride of your life.
We begin with a voice-over, explaining the concept of the show. "Outside this Bel Air bachelor pad twenty-five babes have gathered, 'cause they have two things in common: their love for rock n' roll, and for one man who's made it his life." Well, I know it's still rock n' roll to Billy Joel. Is he really still that desirable to the silicone set? In fact, no! The man in question is, of course, Bret Michaels, lead singer of Poison, who has sold 20 million records. Two of which might have belonged to me. WHEN I WAS TWELVE. WHAT? I also had permed bangs. The onset of puberty was a very confusing time. We get some vintage footage of Bret, and are reminded that he wants us to talk dirty to him, and needs nothing but a good time. So he's an undemanding mate, which seems like it could be a positive quality.
Bret spends nine months out of the year on the road. Like, on the side of the road, selling zucchini from his garden? Because I didn't realize Poison was so in demand in the late 2000s. Rock n' roll is the reason for, and destruction of, all of Bret's relationships, he says. You may note that this sentence really doesn't stand up to a rigorous grammatical test. Consider it a primer. Oh, and ha! This turn to more meaningful matters cues the song "Every Rose Has Its Thorn." I hope you enjoy this song, because you'll be hearing a lot of it. Bret says that when he was fifteen years old, he was handed the secret to love. And I quote: "There's plenty of women out there that you want to be friends with, and there's a lot of women out there you want to have sex with; but if you can find one that you can be friends with and have sex with, henceforth, Rock Of Love." If you find that sentence to be confusing, have a gander at the show's Bret Michaels-penned (I'm sure, because it's so dumb) theme song: "Hey, I'll show you things you've never seen/ Touch my backstage pass, ride my limousine/ Please let me be your rock of love!" "Touch my backstage pass" doesn't even make enough sense to actually be dirty.
In any case, Bret has a nice house in the desert and a motocross track and lots of money and two daughters. When VH1 offered him the opportunity to meet "twenty-five of the most beautiful women in the world," he couldn't refuse. When is that going to happen? Will it be filmed? Was he made to do this show as a sort of purgatory en route to such a wonderful prize? Bret had his best friend and security guard, Big John, find a pad and soup it up in preparation. He knows in his heart, soul, and loins that one of these women is going to be the one for him. Lesson being: never trust your loins. They lie. Bret is looking for the one woman who understands that rock n' roll, though an insatiable bitch goddess, is his true passion, and who is comfortable being a part of that threesome.
The twenty-five women wait for Bret to arrive. We get some lip service from several of them about how they're going to win him over, and then Erin of the giant boobs says, "I was named Miss Hooters of Illinois, and I have the tools to get what I want because of that." Miss Hooters of Illinois 1968, Hillary Clinton, once said the same. Bret arrives on his motorcycle, which is cause for lots of cheering and jiggling, and asks the women whether they're ready to rock the house. Several of the girls note how much they want to fuck Bret, are in love with him, or consider him hot. It is indeed the first reality show catering to the visually impaired, and VH1 is to be commended for breaking down hackneyed stereotypes. Bret is wearing his formal red bandana, which could really cause anyone's panties to get doused. He says he got fired up when he pulled up and found twenty-five of the "most hottest" women he's ever seen. They're going to have the most kick-assingest awesomest time ever.