Rock of Love

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Don't Threaten Me With A Good Time

Meanwhile, Tiffany has wasted no time in getting wasted. Tawny doesn't know if she's an alcoholic or crazy, but either way, she's making a fool of herself and pissing off the other girls. The others all kind of point and stare, and seem alternately amused and horrified. What's Tiffany's take on all of this, you may ask? "Ain't bitch no bad enough to step front in my face." Yeah.

Elsewhere, Bret has taken a liking to Sam, who impresses him with her love of Slayer and Pantera and her cool tattoos. He starts talking about his own ink, and Heather sees the tattoo with his daughter's birthday on it -- May 5. Turns out this is her birthday too. Yes, May 5, 1855 was a banner day in the history of civilization. Sam interviews that Heather intimidates the shit out of her, and is also a big attention whore. Heather thinks that this is all a sign, and that the other girls had better watch out, because she and Bret already have a connection. Indeed, it's hard to deny that they both look like they've been through a fire.

Magdalena tells us that they have a lot of strippers in the house. It is a fact that if you removed all the strippers and all the retards, you'd really thin out the herd. Conveniently, there is also a pole, so it's time for Heather to give the others some lessons. Wait, what's that weird patch under her boob? Well, no matter, she can really flip herself around on that thing. Do you think every so often she feels super-kicky and Mary Tyler Moore-esque as she walks down the street and just does that on a street lamp? Tiffany says that Heather ain't shit, and shows some drunken moves of her own. She creakily slides down the pole upside down, and it is a serious marvel that she doesn't vomit right then and there. Big John is perhaps wondering whether the beej was worth it. Also, if you recall from the casting special, Tiffany is someone's mom. This is totally what Sean Preston and Small Fry are in for.

Bret gets to know Brandi M. and Jessica. First of all, only on this show do you have two Brandis. Brandi M. is from Buffalo and moved to Vegas, where she just started dancing. And I think we all know what kind of dancing. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Bret really likes Brandi, whom he calls "Wild Thing," adding that when he saw her, he immediately thought of hot, nasty rock n' roll sex, during which you apparently scream, "Wassagoinon." Brandi M. says she's a Scorpio and ruled by her genitals. In which case, why not make them the source of your livelihood? I must also confess a certain fondness for Brandi M. Jessica describes herself as a Jessica Simpson knockoff. Way to demonstrate your feelings of self-worth. She is super-spacey and either wasted or really, really dumb. Or, quite possibly, both. Jessica is also not what you'd call a pretty girl. Meanwhile, Brandi C. and Kristia go walking around looking for Bret, whom they call their baby boy. Tawny tells us that they're quite possibly the dumbest girls she ever met, and she moved away when they got near her for fear that the dumbness was catching. The general consensus is: really dumb.

Bret then talks to a bunch of other girls, Raven among them. She talks a lot and is at once really intense and super-boring. As she gets through saying that she wants people to engage with her mind and not just her physical attributes, Bret tells her that she has a beautiful ass. He then gets some alone time with Rodeo, who tells him that she's a physical trainer. She didn't Google him, she says, because she wanted to get to know him personally. I haven't Googled him yet either; I'm saving it all for Season 2.

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Rock of Love

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