Beverly is up first. Her song is called, "Love, War, & Rock n' Roll," which frankly is kind of awesome. It starts off, "When I first saw your face / I knew I'd found my place / Although you seemed so out of reach / So many skanks I had to beat." Okay, Beverly for the win. I've never liked her so much as I do in this moment. It continues, "I knew what I had to do / To be the one to be with you / So I focused on my goal / 'Cause all's fair in love, war and rock n' roll." She sounds pretty good and looks like she's having a great time. She interviews that she can't believe she's making music with Bret Michaels, and never, ever would have imagined this in her wildest dreams. Bret likey.
Jamie is next, and is prepared to bust it out. She hopes she doesn't bust anyone's eardrums. And, oh boy. Her song is called "Text Message My Heart." Yeah. It goes, "You're making me crazy / I cannot lie / Just thinking about you / and those big blue eyes / You said that you'd call but you didn't / I wish that I could just make myself quit it." I mean, it's no, "So many skanks I had to beat." But Jamie's strategy is to shake her ass and distract from the fact that her song sucks. Bret can't take his eyes off it, so she is successful in this. We miss some lyrics, which I frankly think is for the best, and pick back up with, "I check my cell phone one more time / A text, an e-mail, anything / Just waiting for my phone to ring." Or beep. Or vibrate. Whatever, it sucks. But Bret likes her confidence and her tiny perky bum.
Taya is next, and Jamie instantly snorts, "I look better." Sorry, meth-face, but you need to stick to the facts. Jamie expects Taya to have some horrible-ass squeaky voice as she sings her song "Once Upon a Time." But in fact, Taya kind of can sing. Her song is just as stupid as you'd think it would be, though. It goes, "Once upon a time / I had those dreams, where have they gone? / When I looked into your blue eyes, baby / I finally found where I belonged / You see me / and where I've been..." On page 36? Yes, we've all seen it. Mindy interviews that of course Taya can sing, and she's perfect, and Mindy's sick of it. Taya's kicker is, "My once upon a time starts now," which is exactly the kind of treacle that Taya would extol as God's gift to the written word. Somewhere Joni Mitchell is chain smoking and wondering why she didn't think of it first. In the audience Mindy whispers to the others, "Maybe it wasn't Penthouse she was trying to promote." Busted by her own BFF! Mindy sarcastically says it would be funny if this whole time, Taya was not promoting Penthouse but her own music career. Or combining her two professional endeavors and promoting her upcoming CD on Cooter Pie Records, along with the new line of Penthouse musical greeting cards. The bereavement one is really something to see. Anyway, Bret thinks Taya did a good job.