Before the competition begins, the girls get some skating/hockey lessons from the team. Brittaney tells us that she hasn't put on skates in a long time, but it was actually kind of nice. She says that growing up she was a competitive ice skater. She was SO good in fact, that she was competing against 18 year olds and winning gold medals at the age of seven. But then a terrible accident befell her as she was practicing, and it took a young, strapping Robbie Benson to convince her that she didn't need actual working retinas, for she could look through the eyes of love. And/or she became a porn star. Seriously, Brittaney is whack. The girls put on some kneepads and helmets and fall a whole lot. Except, that is, for Kendra, who says she's a fabulous ice skater. Beverly looks particularly bad, which is a surprise for someone who looks like she knows her way around a field hockey stick, if you know what I'm saying.
Bret randomly picks team captains. They are: Ashley, Natasha, and Maria. The teams are configured as such: Ashley's Black Team features Kelsey, Marcia, and Farrah. Natasha's Blue Team has Brittanya, Mindy, and Taya. Maria's Pink Team features Melissa, Brittaney, and Beverly. Beverly, the last picked, stumbles over to her team and again it seems odd that this Peppermint Patty doppelganger is so uncoordinated. We get a commercial break to muse upon it.
When we return, the Rock of Love girls are fully suited up in their sports bras and leggings and skates. The real hockey girls are suited up like, well, hockey players, with the full face masks and everything else. Normally I'm all for seeing these hos take a beating, but this actually seems dangerous! Bret explains that there are three nets where they can shoot Little Baby Bret for a goal. The nets are worth one, three, and five points. The real hockey players and Lacey are going to try to steal Little Baby Bret and kill him, or at least rip off his tiny wig in a humiliating fashion. It's like a miniature version of my greatest dream. Each team gets three Baby Brets, because the man is just that fertile.
The Blue Team is up first. Mindy tries to convince us that she's tough and crazy and fearless just like Lacey. Is she also as much of an annoying attention whore, I wonder? The first attempt for the Blue Team is not so successful. The girls fall all over the place, and Little Baby Bret is decapitated. We have our first injury, as Brittanya's naval piercing is all bloody and gnarled looking. Bret tells Lacey that she's accomplished her mission, as there is blood on the ice. Mindy next manages to score a goal for one point, and hopes that Bret sees her fire and tenacity. My guess is that he sees only a big Zamboni made of boobs. On their third and final attempt, Mindy manages to score three points for the Blue Team, much to Bret's delight. She gets a big hug and thinks, "Woah! Hello! You're awfully cute!" I mean, the Wakefield twins were edgier than this even in the very early Sweet Valley High books. Mindy is, like, straight out of The Babysitter's Club. Bret is so focused on Mindy's hot hockey skillz that it takes him a minute to notice that Natasha fell backwards ON HER HEAD. She doesn't look like she's doing so well, but eventually a medic comes to her and, along with Bret, helps her off the ice. The only lasting damage seems to be a fake eyelash that is irreparably askance. Bret tells us that Natasha took the hit like the man she is. In the Lifetime Movie Bus-ted: The Rock of Love 3 Story, Natasha will absolutely be played by Wesley Snipes. I smell an Emmy nod!