Previously on Rock of Love: Skank-brides!. And some other stuff. My DVR was apparently ashamed of my undying love for this show and sneakily tried not record it this week. Unfortunately for it, I turned on the TV at one minute after the hour. Unfortunately for everyone else who might care what happened in that minute, I missed it. I'm sure it just involved a bevy of lovely ladies waking up with cotton mouths and mascara smeared down their face and a vague sense that they are leading participants in humanity's downfall.
In any case, the 12 remaining girls pack and head out to the bus, where they find a postcard from Bret alerting them that their next stop is Champaign, Illinois. Kelsey doesn't know where Champaign is, but will be excited if they're going to the bottom of the bottle. Kudos to Kelsey for almost making sense. Wikipedia tells me that Champaign is also the home of REO Speedwagon! It's time to bring this ship into the shore and throw away the oars, because they are infested with crabs. The Bret Mail continues: "I'm looking for a woman who's fast on her feet while living the rock n' roll life. Gear up for some hard-hitting fun. Love, Bret." Whatever this is, let's hope it involves reconstructive dental surgery for at least one of Bret's beauties!
The girls head to the David S. Palmer Arena and Ice Rink. They run onto the ice in their short shorts and bikini tops and general auras of ridiculousness. Bret likes the combination of skimpy clothing and cold air, I'm assuming for obvious reasons. He says that he has two beautiful daughters, and is looking for a woman who has a protective maternal instinct. Or at least an abundance of mammaries. And then he whips out Little Baby Bret, also known as the Chucky of the 2000s, who strangles his victims in their sleep with his scraggly weave. You may remember last year's Stroller Derby where Little Baby Bret made a similar appearance. For this challenge, the girls will have to use Little Baby Bret like a puck, and guide him into one of his "cribs" with their hockey sticks. There is, of course, a twist. And that twist is the University of Illinois' women's kick-ass hockey club. Today their honorary captain is Lacey, best known for being called a dicksucker whorebag in front of her dad on Rock of Love season one (i.e. the greatest moment in televisual history). The girls are totally over her, just like the rest of us. Bret calls Lacey "The only woman who knifed me in bed and we lived to talk about it." That is so grody, for grammatical and other reasons.