And speaking of, I have spent a little bit of time lately ruminating on who would comprise my ideal Rock of Love cast. Rest assured that Elaine Stritch and Rachel Maddow are on the list.
The Black Team is up next. They think that they're going to win by virtue of being able to skate better than Beverly. Their first outing on the ice ends with Baby Bret being thrown into the stands. Kelsey is certain that she's the best on her team, so is ready to just take the baby herself and go for a goal. She manages to do so without any defense by the real hockey girls, which is kind of odd. She scores one point. On their third try the real hockey girls are also noticeably absent, and Kelsey scores another one-point goal. With the ice clear, one wonders why she didn't go for the five points. Bret has a theory: "Kelsey is an awesome skater. But she is not a mathematician." To quote Farrah: "Oh, piss. You dumb bitch." Well-put, my buxom friend.
Finally, we have the Pink Team. Taya is certain that the Pink Team, with dead weight Beverly, does not stand a chance. Bret explains to everyone that the Black Team is already out of the running, and the Blue Team has four points. If the Pink Team ties with Blue, no one will go on a date except Bret and Lacey. If Otis, Lacey's creepola dad, can come again, I'm all for it. But lo, Beverly has a trick up her sports bra. She tells Melissa to give her the Baby Bret Puck, and indicates that she can, in fact, skate. I knew it! Their strategy is to go for the five-point goal and win outright. There is all kinds of chaos on the ice and people falling all over each other and it's impossible to see what's what, except for the moment when Melissa face plants and tells us that she thinks she might have popped her implant. I mean, it was bound to happen at some point on this show. The camera folks obviously didn't get a shot of Baby Bret going into the five-point goal during the actual competition, so they show him drifting peacefully in without anyone else on the ice. We may never know, or care about, what really happened, but for purposes of this show the Pink Team wins! They celebrate wildly as Farrah says, "Son of a... biscuit eatin' bulldog." She's folksier than Dan Rather!
In the locker room, Melissa pats her chest. She says that she's never fallen on her breasts so hard in her entire life. And all the other times she's just bounced back up. Apparently Melissa has had to get one implant replaced previously, so is freaking out a bit. The medic comes to see her, and Melissa says that she wants to be sure she doesn't have a slow leak. The medic looks appropriately horrified, but has the presence of mind to ask if Melissa has silicone or something else. Melissa doesn't know. Ashley tells us that if Melissa busted a boob playing hockey, then she got her dinners done in Tijuana. The medic tells Melissa to call her doctor and get an x-ray. The suspense of whether she will have one pancake-floppy boob by the end of the episode is killing me!