Rock of Love
Episode 3

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Pop Goes the Weasel

Slow leak or not, Melissa is flat ironing her hair in preparation for her date with Bret. She and Brittaney talk about how excited they are to go on the date. When they meet up with him, Bret hugs Melissa. I paused to see if there was any visible deflation afterwards, but it's really impossible to tell. Melissa, Brittaney and Maria are in their skimpy ho duds, while Beverly sports some camos and a tank top. She says she's excited for their date no matter what it is, but that's because she really hasn't a clue of the horrors in store.

Meanwhile, things are happening on the pink bus. Things that smell like pee. Ashley, Kelsey, Marcia, Farrah and Natasha decide to do a little investigating in Brittaney's bunk. And really, if I smelled pee I'd probably assume that Britters was in some way involved. The first thing they find is food, followed by a whole bunch of ketchup packets. Ashley interviews, "Hey, I had a cheeseburger earlier and I could've used that shit." Condiment stashing is not cool! But the piece de resistance is yet to come. Natasha grabs a big tube sock, which was part of Brittaney's hockey ensemble. Inside this sock she finds... more socks. Let's allow Mindy to narrate: "After we left the locker room at the hockey arena, Brittaney went back into the locker room at some point... and took all of our dirty, smelly, sweat-soaked socks." And there is proof on video! Now, the knee pads I would understand, as she can use them in a professional capacity. But taking other people's sweaty socks is kind of random. Ashley squeals, "I don't feel safe! Why does she steal all of our used socks?" The next logical step from ketchup stashing and sock thievery is totally murder on a bus, so I understand where Ashley is coming from on this one.

Back on the date, Bret and his winning Pink Team ladies head to Big Al's, Bret's favorite Midwestern strip club. Romanticals! Bret wants to see if they can hang in one of his favorite places. By "hang" he means "hang...from a pole." Melissa interviews that once they rolled up to Big Al's and were in the midst of the limelight and the crowds, she realized she could handle this lifestyle. It's so hard to pick what on this show makes me saddest. Melissa tells us that all the strippers automatically took to her and were loving her. I bet they could smell the leaking silicone and hovered around her like she was a wounded bird. Look for one of them to shove some comforting feathers under her butt soon. Beverly tells us that this was not exactly her dream first date with Bret. While she likes to go out and party, she was a bit out of her element in this context. The ladies get on stage, and three out of four make for the pole. Beverly is of course the holdout, and she says that she's just not the type of girl who's going to show her ass to world. Brittaney, of course, is that type of girl, and as a bonus will dispense ketchup from her nether regions if you push on her nose.

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Rock of Love

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