Rock of Love
Episode 5

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In With the New

Previously: Brittanya was smoking hot but, in her own words, "a little bit not too smart." Natasha was quite possibly a dude. And Marcia got eliminated for a sickening display of common sense, which included not wanting to engage with Bret's wrinkly aging rock star balls.

It is morning in the latest Rock of Love hotel room, which involves sitting around in lingerie and eating pastries. Natasha tells us that things are a lot quieter now that Marcia's gone. Each time Marcia got drunk Natasha was closer and closer to choking her, and not in an erotic way, so it's possibly for the best that she got the boot. The girls head to the bus where they find a note telling them that they're going to St. Louis -- gateway to the west and, if the mysterious Bret Mail penman is to be believed, the potential gateway to Bret's heart. And/or his man parts. Ashley has never heard of Missouri. Or underwear. Or a night of drinking that doesn't involve either vomiting or pooping your pants.

On the bus, Farrah also acknowledges that she's pretty ignorant when it comes to geography and couldn't find Missouri on a map. Natasha tells her that it's south of North Dakota. And while that's technically true, there's a state that's more obviously directly south of North Dakota, and it actually includes the words "South" and "Dakota," which is a pretty helpful mnemonic device. But the whole point of this scene is not to condemn America's public schools (though that's really a leitmotif of all seasons of Rock of Love, isn't it?), but rather to let us know that Ashley and Farrah are unequivocally over Natasha. As Ashley says, "I don't know. I just don't like her face." You can't argue with that logic. Ashley also thinks that Natasha is very man-like, particularly when it comes to the voice, and Farrah agrees. When a side of beef in a wig like Farrah is calling you a dude, you know you're in trouble. Farrah rhetorically asks, "Are you a man? Or are you a WO-man?" Sometimes she should just stick to saying, "What the French."

Meanwhile, something's bothering Bret. And it's not the recurring crabs this time. At this point in seasons one and two, Bret was feeling hot and heavy with at least a couple of girls. But this season, no one will boff him. Bret says that he needs to get something cooking, and fast. Apparently there's a kitchen in Larry Flynt's Hustler Club, and the buses pull in the lot. The Pink Bus girls celebrate and conjecture that the girls on the Blue Bus are scared. The girls on the Blue Bus are scared and conjecture that the girls on the Pink Bus will be celebrating. Farrah interviews that the lame skanks of the bunch probably haven't even been in a strip club before. They've had to content themselves with swinging around the poles in the subway. Ashley, of course, feels right at home.

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Rock of Love

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