The girls line up to learn whose tour is going to end right here, right now. The first girl that Bret calls is Brittanya. He's so hot for her. She's not surprised, because she's hot, real, and a sweetheart. Taya is next to be called. She thinks that even though she got her pass second, Bret was feeling her more than anyone else. Natasha is called next, which burns Brittaney's one-quarter black butt. Next called are Farrah, Ashley, Kelsey, Beverly, Mindy, and Maria. There are six girls left, and three passes. How many ménage(s) a trois(es) can Bret have now? He calls down the three troublemakers -- Marcia, Melissa and Brittaney. I think that's one troublemaker and two crackheads. Brittaney interviews, weeping, that it's really important for her to stay because she really felt a connection with Bret. She says that her life's changed, she's matured a lot, she's not that wild and crazy naked person anymore, and she wants a family. Brittaney is wearing the Designer Imposters "Stank de la Desperacion" fragrance. And boy does it waft. Bret tells Brittaney that a lot of people dislike her, and she causes a lot of problems. Melissa is hot and cold and jealous of Bret talking to other girls. And Marcia has been in an altercation with everyone on the show. However, Bret has a connection with each of these ladies, and/or they are endlessly amusing to the home viewing audience, so they get to stay. What can Bret say, he likes trouble.

This of course means that Constandina, Megan and Samantha go home. Constandina interviews that she's disappointed, because she thought this was Rock of Love and not Rock of Fucking. I guess they don't get VH1 at the foothills of the Appalachian mountains. Samantha even gives a boring exit interview. Meanwhile, Brittaney interviews how happy she is that Bret can see through all the catty fakeness that surrounds her. Her staying is a big fuck you to the rest of them, she says. And a big belated Christmas present for us. If Gentlemen Prefer Anal didn't break her spirit, nothing can!

Next week: Illinois! And hockey with Lacey. And implant popping. And Bret totally tells someone to get the fuck out at elimination!

Potes should get hazard pay for this. Sympathize at potesypotes@gmail.com.