While most of the ladies scramble to dress themselves in the black and pink lace-up see-through wedding finery (thanks, sponsor Vera Wang!), Beverly refuses to wear any of it. She says that if she marries Bret Michaels she's not going to walk down the aisle looking like a freaking hooker. This is why she won't be marrying Bret Michaels. For a second I thought maybe Bret would impress us all and appreciate Beverly's cool authenticity above all other slutty overtures. Then I saw Ashley's boobs and the black censor box over her crotch as she lay on the floor and I came back to reality.

Oh, and holy crow. Bret Michaels has his own special wedding tux muscle tee for the occasion, and a lesbian named Peggy Sue playing the Wedding March (poorly) on an electric guitar. Elegance! To think that eighth-grade me once dreamed of being in the position of these brides-to-be. Brittaney is first coming down the aisle in a relatively (considering the crowd) modest black and white ensemble. She thinks that being a singer-songwriter and having a way with words will give her an advantage in this competition. Do you think it will trump the disadvantage she has in being a total fucking loon? She tells Bret that she has laid her heart on the line and apologizes in advance for getting emotional. Just like she had to do when filming Party Bus Pussy Patrol 3. Seriously, just Google "Brittaney Starr filmography." Brittaney starts off kind of nicely, and then Bret looks down and notices that she has FIVE PAGES of vows written. Bret thinks that Brittaney is either madly in love with him or clinically insane. A little from column A, a lot from column B. Brittany tells Bret, as part of her vows, that she will be his umbrella (ella ella) in the rain, and that if there's ever a tear to fall from his perfect face, she will kiss it away until a tender smile blesses her. Is this bitch for real? Bret tells us in no uncertain terms that a tear is about to fall right now. It is a tear of boredom, and probably terror. The other girls fan themselves and reflect on how lame Brittaney is. One really does expect more from a star of Rocks that Ass 21: Asses Are Forever. [Side note: I didn't realize there were so many sequels in porn!]