Farrah, meanwhile, is confident that Bret will not be able to resist the way her boobs are hanging out and that she will win. Her theory of action is as good as any other, if you ask me. She reads her vows from beneath a fuzzy pimp hat: "Bret, if you marry me a smoking hot blonde is what you're going to see. We can party and have a great time and occasionally you can hit it from behind." Shakespeare tried in vain to come up with such an elegant couplet. Bret is impressed, even with the "occasionally" caveat. We then get a montage of Bret making out with some mildly impressive ladies who promise to be hot in the sack and, in Kelsey's case, have particularly athletic boobs. I didn't realize there was a talent portion of the wedding. Marcia promises to cook Bret rocking food and not ever wear panties. Bret's response? "Hiyooooo!" Constandina belly dances down the aisle like the crackhead that she is. She wants to enchant Bret like a snake charmer. Bret's response? "That is Taj Ma-HIYOOOOO!" Sometimes I can't help but love Bret a little. Samantha is boring and knows she's boring even when she looks like a slut. That's just sad. She tells us that she's in love with Bret and totally would marry him if he asked. Her vows include telling him that she's easy. It is a testament to how boring and unsexy she is that Bret just thinks it's awkward.
Then we have Beverly who walks down the aisle in jeans and a motocross shirt. Bret appreciates her awesome gear, but Ashley's delicate sensibilities are offended by the fact that Beverly doesn't look like a total slut. Yeah, what a jerk. Beverly takes off the motocross shirt and gives it to Bret along with a helmet. He's actually pretty impressed, despite the fact that he's also disappointed that her striptease doesn't have a part two. Bret tells us that Beverly might not be the sexiest-dressed girl there, but she has mad gift-giving skills. Then there's my idol, Natasha, who gives Bret a blow-up doll. Ashley thinks that the blow-up doll looks more like a woman than Natasha does, and that maybe Bret will get rid of Natasha and keep the doll. Ashley is at once horrifying and kind of awesome. Mindy -- who? -- gives Bret a plaster torso that she's made of herself. Natasha thinks that a Buffalo Bill-style skin suit is next, but the hotness outweighs the creepiness for Bret. Put the lotion in the basket, Bret.