En route to Indianapolis, the girls take pen to paper to write their vows. Marcia says she's not good at this, and Samantha tells her to just start writing shit down and, if all else fails, drink. However, Marcia announces that this is her day off. She's worried that Bret will think all she wants to do is get drunk and get in fights, so she's drying out and slowing down. Beverly, who is writing with a bright yellow pen she bullied off some poor third-grader, in a notebook that says "rock n' roll" on the cover and which will doubtlessly kept in her Trapper Keeper, is also having a hard time with this challenge. She says she'd much rather jump off something, or ride a bull, or wrestle a pig than pour her feelings out on a piece of paper. Hearty and emotionally retarded! I think she might be just the girl for Bret Michaels after all.
Meanwhile, there's fucking Constandina. She has something special she wants to give Bret as a gift. It's classy and artsy and different, she says -- in fact, it's probably different than anything Bret's ever seen. She's belly dancing in the aisles of the bus as she says this, her third eye all ablaze. And then, it's the greatest clip of the episode. As Marcia reads through her vows with Beverly, Constandina writhes in the background like a cat with a broken pelvis feebly attempting to convince the alley she's in heat. I mean, it's making me hot and I'm not even in the room. Hiyo!
The girls pull up to a church where Bret awaits them. One member of the Blondetourage thinks it's a school. And I mean, I never go to church, but at least when I see a big steepled building with a cross on it I have some flicker of recognition. Farrah tells the Lord that she's sorry she's a painted slut with her boobs all the way out, and asks for forgiveness. I bet the Lord is still totally cracking up about Constandina's dance and is in such a good mood that He'll give Farrah a pass. Bret tells the ladies that they all look smoking beautiful before noting that there are wedding dresses and accessories and all kinds of "wedding-ish stuff" in the chapel. The ladies should dress themselves in whatever way they think most befits them, and also bring him gifts. Like a dowry of silicone. Bret has an awesome date planned for the three girls who impress him the most, and those who don't impress him at all may go home. Kelsey tells us that she's from Utah, the land of Mormons and polygamists, so she's totally comfortable with a 15:1 bride-groom ratio.