Rock of Love

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Bride of Skankenstein

The ladies all gather together with Bret as he declares the winners of the date with him. Brittaney thinks that Bret was touched by his vows and hopes he'll pick her. As comes as a surprise to no one else, he does not. Instead he picks Taya, Brittanya, and Farrah. Brittaney is hurt because she put so much time and effort into her vows. Well, that was her first mistake. Did she learn nothing on the set of Rectal Rooter 9? The ladies exit the church to find a big crowd cheering for them. To add a note of gravity to the occasion, there's a fat guy in flip flops and cut off denim shorts blowing bubbles. Awesome. Back on the bus, Brittaney starts bawling. She's broken hearted because she wanted to have some time with Bret. Ashley chimes in with a sympathetic, "Shut the fuck up." Brittaney cries and asks if she wasn't good enough. Ashley tells her that Bret obviously didn't like her vows, and so he didn't pick her for a date. That is some kind of awesome tough love. Natasha tells Brittaney to stop it, and Ashley tells her to pull the little curtain over her bus bed.

The tour buses pull into a hotel. Brittaney is feeling totally hurt and disrespected by girls she thought were her friends. But who cares about feelings, because the girls are at Fantasy Suites, where there are rooms with alien themes, and Cadillac themes, and Venetian holiday themes and more! I'm always kind of intrigued by those hotels, but then the Dateline blacklight episode comes flooding back to me with a vengeance and I realize the true bacterial danger lurking within.

Big John gathers the girls for a reception to be held outside. There's a cake and Bret and lots of alcohol and plastic forks. The elegance continues! And then it's time for dancing. Lap dancing. Marcia falls all over Bret, because apparently her day of drying out is over. Melissa is sober and refuses to dance for Bret, but Kelsey shows off some unexpected skills. Maria reminds us that she's a retired model and refuses to get up and fall on her ass and show off her lack of coordination. Brittaney, meanwhile, is sitting alone at a table and is appalled at the fact that Bret obviously has some favorites among the crowd. She thinks he's biased and decides to step things up a notch and show a) that she has a good soul; b) that she's acrobatic and a lot of fun to be with. So Brittaney heads inside, puts on her postage-sized bikini and some bronzer, and then heads back outside to ill-advisedly show her stuff. Ashley, increasingly a comic genius, interviews that she didn't even know they made bikinis in size "fat fuck." Brittaney gets on all fours and crawls toward Bret, then sticks her head between his legs and does a headstand. It might be vaguely sexy if it weren't entirely terrifying. The other girls are cracking up. Because they're jealous of Brittaney's moves. According to Brittaney.

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Rock of Love

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