Previously: Silicone. Catfighting. Pole-dancing. A possible foursome. And the elimination of Brandi C. and one of the greatest reality-show contestants of all time, Rodeo. She will be missed.
So, it pains me to admit this, but there is one photo in the opening credits where Bret looks totally hot. His face is partly obscured by a cowboy hat, which might be part of it. My New Year's resolution is to make that stop happening, or gouge out my own eyes.
We enter on the night of last week's elimination. Bret, hung over and possibly (probably) having a crab flare-up, excuses himself to get some rest. The girls do their thing, which is drinking. Brandi M. is feeling relieved after elimination, so she starts sucking down the booze to the point where she slobbers champagne down her chin. And I mean, it's bubbly! Sometimes it just squirts right out of there. It starts in your toes and flows out of your nose till your nostrils glow just like Ross Perot's. Drunken Brandi M. is apparently getting on everyone's last nerve. She asks Erin how she feels, since she wanted to go home. What is this news? How had we not heard about this before? Intriguing. Brandi admits that she was a big drunk sloppy mess. However, she doesn't seem threatened by a good time. The next morning, Brandi is hung over and pukey-feeling. However, she's not as pukey-looking as Lacey, who says that she hasn't been able to win any challenges and get alone time with Bret, which makes her nervous. She's going to have to try another strategy. I'm sure it involves being a total asshole, which will be a nice change of pace.
The girls go downstairs and find some athletic gear on the pool table along with Bret Mail. "You know a good cheerleader can turn me on / But I really like a girl who knows how to go long / So suit up ladies because it's almost game time / and as usual a date with your man is on the line / There's only one more thing / Although it brings me great sorrow / I'll be saying goodbye to one more of you tomorrow." Heather is psyched, because she loves football. Jes, meanwhile, is ready to win a challenge and finally get a date with Bret.
The girls are divided into two teams. The Sweethearts are Brandi, Jes, Magdalena and Mia. The Fallen Angels are Heather, Lacey, Erin and Sam. You know it took every ounce of strength that Bret has in him not to name the teams The Roses and The Thorns. Brandi thinks her team, with the exception of Magdalena, will rock. What's she talking about? This is the time when Magdalena's testicles will come to great advantage. Heather is not so excited to be on a team with Boobs McGee and Sorrowful Sam. The girls suit up, and it will not surprise you that their outfits make fine use of kneesocks. Brandi, who I think is actually still drunk because she's slurring, says that hangover or no, she's going to kick some butt.