The girls drive to a really muddy field where they find that they'll be taking part in Bret's Mudbowl. Thank God that isn't just a euphemism. Bret, to his credit, is wearing a Steelers hat. I must now admit that Bret is totally from my 'hood. And was actually my babysitter. And my mom is Tiffany. But seriously, he could be my distant cousin or something. I do have relatives with mullets, so nothing is out of the question. That's the thorn on the rose of my life, for sure. Jes is excited to have an athletic challenge, which she thinks she'll dominate. Sam is not so excited about the mud. Bret tells the girls that they'll be playing actual tackle football. Brandi M. sees her potential to puke on her competition as an advantage. The winning team gets to go on an awesome date, but the MVP gets to go on a very special solo date with Bret. Big John is a ref, and former college All-American Rodney Scott will provide coaching services. Bret is playing quarterback for both teams. Jes and Heather are both ready to fuck some bitches up. Lacey, who looks particularly undead amidst the mud and the sunlight, says her team will win for sure. Erin agrees and is ready to kick ass, as long as her face doesn't get fucked up. Uh, no comment.
Bret throws the ball, and there is mayhem. Magdalena gets the ball first and has no idea what to do with it, being European and all. Brandi is a total hung over and possibly still drunk mess. Bret says that these are not the kind of football players he's used to playing with, and that all the girls had a look on their face like, "Whatisagoinon?" I believe this is the first time we've heard the more formal usage of Bret's favorite word, "Wassagoinon." It's like vous / tu, I guess. In the midst of some confusion, Jes ends up scoring a touchdown for the Sweethearts. Bret thinks it's one of the sexiest moments in football ever. In a sport full of hairy 300-pound guys with broken faces, I have to agree. Lacey interviews that she wants that date, and if she has to break a girl's wrist or knock out some teeth, she's gonna do it. We see her come running a few feet to drag down Mia, who's carrying the ball. She's super-uncoordinated and awkward-looking, but brutish enough to get the job done.
Jes tells us that if Lacey has the ball, Jes is going to waste no time in laying her ass out. She does, and as Lacey goes down, we hear a crunch. I mean, that's a sound effect, but it indicates to us that something is awry. Lacey rolls around in the mud and whines about her ankle, while Bret calls for the medic. You know Lacey totally has cankles, too. Sam is gleeful, then briefly remembers that Lacey is on her team, and then is gleeful again as she tosses off a "fuck her." I love that Lacey is so hated that actual injury provides joy to her fellow contestants. And me. What? Jes interviews that Lacey got what she deserved after throwing Jes into the pool. I actually think she won't get what she deserves until the words "reconstructive surgery" or "mauled by a tiger" are involved. Lacey gets iced on the sidelines and will have to sit out the rest of the game. Consequently, the Sweethearts will have to choose one team member to sit out. Everyone pretty much agrees that it should be drunkarooski Brandi. She understands, but is bummed that she has no shot at the MVP award and solo date.