Rock of Love

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First Annual Bret's Mudbowl

After shooting, Bret takes the girls to the lodge for lunch. The décor is dead animal, which really makes me wish that Lacey had gotten the date. Bret asks the girls if he can trust Heather and if her letter is accurate. First of all, no one can believe that Heather wrote a fucking letter. And probably folded it into a little four-flapped square that spelled out "M.A.S.H." Brandi tells Bret that Heather can't be trusted, given her age and lifestyle. She doesn't mean Heather's profession per se, but rather her constant partying. We get a montage of Heather on the pole and grinding other girls. Heather has apparently told Bret she's more of a quiet person. A quiet person who enjoys long walks on the beach, reading books, and foursomes. I mean, come on, dumb-ass. In any case, the seed of doubt has been planted in Bret's mind. Not the most fertile area for growth, but still. He asks the others if Heather is money hungry, and specifically if she fucks people for money. Brandi tells him that she knows Heather was on The Surreal Life trying to fuck Vanilla Ice, and Brandi believes she succeeded. And seriously? I don't know. Fuck Janice Dickinson. Fuck Gary Coleman. Fuck Dave "Uncle Joey" Coulier. But Vanilla Ice? That's just gross, man. Bret does not want to stop, collaborate, and listen, and neither does he want Vanilla Ice's sloppy seconds. He states, "I, Bret Michaels, will not be played," and vows to take care of some business when they get back to the house.

Speaking of the house, Heather and Lacey are talking shit about Erin in the hot tub. It's a lot of the same junk about how she doesn't care about Bret, doesn't really want to be there, etc. Erin then totally comes walking out to the hot tub area and Lacey and Heather are all, "Um, uh, um, what's the word?" Nice recovery, bitches. It's unclear whether she overheard them or not, but either way, she interviews that she doesn't trust Heather and thinks she's always trying to set her up.

When the others get back from the date, Brandi M. says she has to find out what Heather wrote in that letter, because she doesn't trust the bitch at all. They call Heather out and ask what the letter said. Heather interviews that she doesn't know if Brandi already knows what she said in the letter, or if she's trying to find out what the letter said. Well, she just asked, "What did you say?" That's called a context clue. Heather kind of stalls and says she told Bret that she was sorry he's sick, and embarrassed that her shirt's been off so much. Jes does not buy it, and knows she's talking shit about everybody. Meanwhile, Bret is in his room strumming his guitar and singing, "All I Ever Needed," which just cracked my shit up so hard I can't even explain.

Fucking Lacey then knocks on his door, and tells us that she both wanted to have her buddy Heather's back, and to tell Bret her concerns about Erin. It's the same old shit, plus Erin's confession at the pool that she likes preppy jocks. Oh, leading the witness!! I would totally dismiss that evidence. Bret in turn tells Lacey some of his concerns about Heather, particularly the part where she wanted to bang Vanilla Ice for the world to see. Lacey interviews, "Heather and I are an alliance together, but, you know, I'm not going to try to convince Bret that he should trust Heather or that he shouldn't be concerned about her." Bret tells Lacey that he's not sure Heather should be the one to cast the first stone, in a letter written in third-grade cursive, no less. Lacey interviews that if Bret trusts her more than Heather, that's only good news for her.

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Rock of Love

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