Heather still rages, cursing up a storm about Lacey in front of all the other parents who are, like, calmly washing the dishes. Her mom gives her a little shush. Heather interviews that Lacey shouldn't dare talk shit about her, since Lacey is the biggest dicksucker whorebag in the house, and has been since day one. This show has affected me in powerful ways because, I've gotta be honest with you, "dicksucker whorebag" sounds like fucking POETRY. Lacey talks with her dad and stepmom about the whole situation, and interviews something about a conflict between caring for her friend, and looking out for Bret's best interests. I mean, what? And then, Otis -- who is wearing what I'm sure is a very expensive peach three-quarter-sleeve mock turtleneck -- says this: "The next time she tells you you need to tell your parents who you are -- tell her I've known you for thirty years, I already know who you are. I'm not naïve. I don't need someone who's known you for fifteen minutes to presume that they can teach me who you are." Oh my God, Lacey's dad just told her that he KNOWS she's a DICKSUCKER WHOREBAG! I can't tell you how much I'm loving life right now. At this moment, Lacey interviews, she's starting to see that her friendship with Heather is coming to an end. Oh, ya think so, you dicksucker whorebag? Dicksucker whorebag dicksucker whorebag dicksucker whorebag. I can't stop saying it.
Dicksucker whorebag. See?
Meanwhile...dicksucker whorebag. I CAN'T STOP!!!!!
Okay, Jes's parents -- who know for sure that SHE at least is not a dicksucker whorebag -- say that this is a dangerous place. Jes doesn't understand why there's gotta be all this fighting. Because it's funny for us. And for Jes's parents! She loves that they're so cool and chill and enjoying it all. Jim asks David if Heather got that side from him, and David just kind of tips his hat and says, "Yessir." That is awesome.
Lacey, being insane as usual, still wants to talk to Heather. Heather's strategy is not to let Lacey get a word in, because if she does she'll manipulate the situation to her own benefit. How many times in a row can you say dicksucker whorebag without taking a breath? Because that's how much time Heather's dealing with. Heather accuses Lacey of hurting her feelings as soon as her parents walked in the door, and says that they don't know who she is. Lacey -- and I don't know WHERE on EARTH she got THIS talking point -- says that her parents have known her for thirty years. Ha! "My dad's not naïve. He knows I'm a cocksucker. Go ahead, ask him." Heather says that when the show airs, Lacey's dad is going to die. For real. I think raising a jerk is MUCH worse than raising a whore. It disappoints Lacey that Heather thinks she's been betraying and playing her the whole time, because that's not true. Well, it wasn't true when they were ganging up to get other bitches kicked out, at least. Heather argues that Lacey threw her under the bus -- which is true -- after riding her coattails to the top. She says that if not for her, Lacey would have been out of there a long time ago. I don't necessarily know if that's true, but I'm so in love with Heather right now that I won't argue. Lacey starts to say something about how Heather is with her parents, but Heather is not having it. She says that this is about how she is with Bret, and that she is in love with that man. There's some more yelling, and Heather's plan not to let Lacey get a word in seems to be going quite well.