Anyhoo, there has been nothing wee about this cap so I need to get to it. Jes is, of course, called first. This leaves the frenemies in the bottom two. Though they both have positive qualities, Bret is basing his decision on his gut feelings about who is who they is and who ain't who they ain't. He's not making sense, but I can't give him a hard time for that -- the events of the past few days must have done damage equivalent to serious head trauma. Bret calls Lacey to him. She smiles, and Heather tears up. Before he shows her the pass, he says, he wants to tell her that though there's a side of Lacey that he loves, there's also a side that he still doesn't understand. He thinks that side would ruin their relationship. He's sorry, but her tour ends here. And ha! Suck it, Lacey. I mean, metaphorically this time. Bret says that he had a great physical connection to Lacey (COCKSUCKING!) and felt close emotionally as well. But in the end, it seemed like there was a lot of lying and deception going on. It's tough, but he has to let her go. She doesn't cry or really make a peep, though she tells us she's in shock. Lacey hopes that Bret eliminates both Jes and Heather and remains single, because they'd be horrible for him. She can't feel emotions, because she's in shock and disbelief. Heather comes to get her pass, and both she and Jes are psyched that the crazy bitch is gone. I am psyched that this whole episode, which was really beyond my wildest dreams, ever happened. With that, we have our final two! And they're going to Cabo!

Coming up: Dicksuckery and whorebagging. And a winner! Besides all of us, I mean, who are already clearly the greatest victors of all.