Rock of Love

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Meet The Parents

Then it's time to meet with Lacey and her parents. Bret takes them to a restaurant called Eat On Sunset, which seems a lot more suited to their taste than the Chop House. Bret went into the situation thinking he'd get the chance to ask a lot of questions about Lacey and her relationships. Instead, Otis whips questions at Bret, including, "Besides fame and fortune, what do you have to offer a woman?" "Do you play golf?" "Are you from Oklahoma?" "How do you want to end your days?" What is he, freaking James Lipton? Bret says that it was like the Spanish inquisition, and that he was put on the defensive. Obviously trying to get a breather for a minute, Bret asks if there's hot sauce on the fries or if his tongue is on fire. Otis says he thinks it's all the lies Bret's telling. And then, in one of those interviews that makes me really like Bret and feel a little bad for making so much fun of his hair, Bret says, "I'm like, 'I'm not telling no lies, I'm asking ya, is the fucking sauce burning anyone's mouth but mine?'" He says that he hasn't even lied yet, because he hasn't been able to get a fucking word in edgewise.

Otis then asks Bret whether he plans on getting married again. Bret isn't sure. Why is Otis asking this, you wonder? Well, it's because, as he says, he's a wealthy man. He has a big house and great cars and great clothes. Dude, your shirt looks like it was designed by a seven-year-old with a Spirograph. Now who's telling lies? He hopes Bret knows that there will be a pre-nup involved. Bret's response? "Are you fucking kidding me?" That response was in an interview, but it deserved to happen at the table. First of all, interviews Bret, he is not EVEN asking Lacey to marry him. This puts him in a funk. Second of all, all Lacey's ever told Bret is that she's a starving musician struggling to get by. Otis says that Lacey is one of the few women in the world with her own money. Uh, what about the ones that fucking work for a living? Furthermore, she's a presidential scholar, doesn't do drugs, and doesn't drink that much. Except, you know, for the times when she makes out with other chicks and falls into the bar and pukes at the table and stuff. But those are special occasions! His daughter never disappoints him, says Otis. Old man, let me introduce you to a little something called "VH1." And, "reality." Bret is starting to wonder if Lacey's dad knows everything Lacey has been doing while she's been in the house. All I know is that he will soon find out in glorious detail. Otis then asks Bret whether he has hair under his hat. And I mean, even I'm not so much of an asshole that I'd ask him that to his face. Bret just nods and doesn't give very many specifics, which, well, you know. He interviews, "What the fuck is up with Lacey's dad?" Lacey, who said jack during the whole meal, is a little worried about what might be going through Bret's mind. For once I think it might be something other than "boobs," or "Every cowboy sings a sad, sad song."

Bret, Lacey, and her parents head back to the house, where Bret has planned a dinner with all the parents. Bret thinks that there's a side of Lacey that's beautiful. I guess maybe that's the one you see where you're looking down at the top of her head? However, there's a side to her that involves her hiding a lot of things, and Bret's not sure how he feels about that. And then -- HA! Lacey takes her parents to her room, where they encounter a topless and drunk Heather. Well, they really couldn't get a better picture if they're curious what everyday life in the house is like. Otis gets a nice view of Heather's thong and asks if the windows open. Lacey interviews that she would never act that way in front of someone else's parents. And...I mean, she might have a point. Heather interviews that she walked out, and Lacey's dad was totally staring at her tatters, and it freaked her out. "Creepy, creepy creeperton," she says. And, you know, it is, and he might excuse himself from the room. But I also generally try to avoid putting myself in situations where my friends' parents actually see my boobs at all. Just saying. Lacey tells her parents -- who she assumes have gotten a bad first impression of Heather -- that Heather is actually really cool, but (hushed) she's a STRIPPER.

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Rock of Love

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