Rock of Love

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Meet The Parents

Lacey, being insane as usual, still wants to talk to Heather. Heather's strategy is not to let Lacey get a word in, because if she does she'll manipulate the situation to her own benefit. How many times in a row can you say dicksucker whorebag without taking a breath? Because that's how much time Heather's dealing with. Heather accuses Lacey of hurting her feelings as soon as her parents walked in the door, and says that they don't know who she is. Lacey -- and I don't know WHERE on EARTH she got THIS talking point -- says that her parents have known her for thirty years. Ha! "My dad's not naïve. He knows I'm a cocksucker. Go ahead, ask him." Heather says that when the show airs, Lacey's dad is going to die. For real. I think raising a jerk is MUCH worse than raising a whore. It disappoints Lacey that Heather thinks she's been betraying and playing her the whole time, because that's not true. Well, it wasn't true when they were ganging up to get other bitches kicked out, at least. Heather argues that Lacey threw her under the bus -- which is true -- after riding her coattails to the top. She says that if not for her, Lacey would have been out of there a long time ago. I don't necessarily know if that's true, but I'm so in love with Heather right now that I won't argue. Lacey starts to say something about how Heather is with her parents, but Heather is not having it. She says that this is about how she is with Bret, and that she is in love with that man. There's some more yelling, and Heather's plan not to let Lacey get a word in seems to be going quite well.

Oh, and then. Heather storms off, but has a little thought, and turns around. She says, and I quote, "Does your dad know that you're the only one who's done all the sexual shit with Bret? You've been sucking his dick every night since you've been here." Man. And seriously, compared to this, Sue Hawk's snake/rat speech is fucking amateur hour. Lacey is appalled at what's coming out of Heather's mouth. I am more appalled that Otis, in his peach mock turtleneck, is wearing the sockless loafers with shorts. Shudder. Lacey tries to denies Heather's claim, but Heather yells that she saw Lacey suck it. You know what "it" is at this point, right, you dicksucker whorebags? Otis jumps in at this point and calls Heather trashy. Heather says that she's done nothing sexual with Bret whatsoever, and ends with an emphatic "Your daughter's a slut." And really, I can see both sides of this particular argument. Still: Team Heather. Always and forever. Lacey -- who can only parrot what her dad says, apparently -- reiterates that Heather is trashy. Heather says that Lacey's the trashy one, with her pompous parents who don't know anything about her. Lacey interviews that Heather crossed the line when she attacked her family. I'm sorry, but she didn't cross the line when she called you a dicksucker whorebag in front of your dad? For me, that might have been the line. Heather is now dead to Lacey. You don't fuck with her family and get away with it. Bitch. And really, I'm sure one day Heather will eat crow when she applies for a job at the Vegas branch of Otis's Dicksucking Shoppe.

And then, Lacey and her parents walk outside. Karen is ready to go. Otis, however, thinks that maybe since Lacey's been sucking Bret's dick, he ought to talk to Bret about that. Oh, shit, man. I don't even have words anymore. Well, I have two, or maybe four, depending on how you look at it: dicksucker whorebag. Lacey can't believe that Heather would stoop so low, and her take on the situation is that her dad is mad, and wants to go talk to Bret and tell him what happened. A little revisionist, maybe, I would say. Otis goes up to Bret, who is once again banging away at the punching bag. He greets Bret with a "Sorry to bother you, big boy," like he's propositioning a navy officer on shore leave in 1942. And then he says, and I quote, "I just had somebody yell at me -- uh, Heather -- that I need to be concerned that my daughter is sucking your dick." I love that he approached Bret like he was an office manager who, like, ordered the wrong printer paper. Otis says that Lacey is thirty-one, and that her sex life is her sex life, but he's never had someone actually scream about what a dicksucker whorebag his daughter is right in front of him. Oh, I find that hard to believe. Bret agrees that it's wrong, but really is just wishing that someone would come down and save him. He wonders where Big John is when he needs him. And I mean, even Bret Michaels doesn't deserve this. Okay, yes he does.

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Rock of Love

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