Rock of Love

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Motocross

Previously: Pole dancing. Cat fighting. I think that might be just about every "previously on" description for this show.

It is morning. Rodeo works out. Sam brushes her teeth. Well, at least one girl has perfunctory hygiene. Heather reminds us that there are two camps in the house: the bad girls/A Team/varsity squad, who are her, Brandi C., Lacey, and Kristia; and the good girls, who are Magdalena, Erin, Jes, Mia, Sam, Dallas. Heather also calls these the "fake girls." Tough talk from a woman fashioned of silicone, rusty car parts, and Tang. Lacey tells us that she's feeling devil horns poking out of her skull, and is going to have to do something to get her current archnemesis, fur- and meat-loving Dallas, out of the house.

Big John delivers some Bret Mail: "Hope you're all rested/'Cause today your skills will be tested/Are you the one that goes fast?/Who puts the pedal to the gas?/Well, get geared up and ready to start/'Cause today you girls will race for my heart./The fastest four will win a date." Oh my God, could they not just add a "hurry up and don't be late" or something at the end? I can't bear the unresolved rhyming couplet! Kristia is psyched, because she's a big fan of the crosses -- motocross, supercross, snowcross, Jesus on the cross. She's all about it.

The girls get dressed and head to a motocross track, where there are bikes all lined up for them. Three helmeted folks come racing toward them. One is Bret, who takes off his helmet while ensuring that his black bandana doesn't come off in the process. And I mean, thank God. We've seen what's on top of his head, and it's quite possible that it has turned people blind and/or to stone. Bret is a big motorcycle and motocross fanatic -- he says that motocross is one of the most important things in his life, and he wants his lady to enjoy riding as well. He introduces his co-riders: nine-time women's world motocross champion (or something) Mercedes Gonzalez, and soon to be nine-time world champion Charity Okerson. Oh, yay, some real lesbians and not just Tawny and Heather doing shots out of each others' cleavage! Bret says that they're bitter rivals, and are going to take their aggression out on the contestants. On the motocross track. And perhaps off. I mean, who really knows? Erin looks terrified. I don't know why, since if she flies off of the bike and lands chest down she'll just bounce right back on. Heather, however, is psyched, and determined to win the date with Bret.

The girls suit up. It all goes well until Magdalena can't fit the helmet over her enormous head. Charity pushes and pushes, but it's a no go. The others laugh, and then Magdalena is laughing so hard that she actually pees herself. I wonder if there have been any studies done on the connection between giant heads and incontinence. Charity and Mercedes teach the girls some bike basics. Bret notes that this is either going to be sexy as hell, or somebody's going to get hurt. Or both, if you think open head wounds are hot. Bloody gash? Turn-on. The girls practice and Mia and Lacey appear to have some skills. Bret interviews that there's something about Lacey that's just hot. So he IS a fan of open head wounds. I knew it. Dallas tells us that she's going to get on her bike and haul ass. And she does, but is a bit reckless while doing so. Lacey cracks up because Dallas is such a mess, and says she's going a hundred miles an hour straight for the trash can. Run, Oscar, run! Even Bret thinks she might die. Her bike does fall over kind of a lot.

Bret tells the girls that they will divide up into three teams of four and have a relay race. The winning team will get to go on a date with him. He picks the team captains. Magdalena -- known as the Fergie of the motocross world -- is captain of the pink team. Erin is the purple team captain, and Rodeo notes that although she has built-in airbags, she doesn't know if Erin will actually be able to see over them to drive. It is true that after the nuclear holocaust, there will be cockroaches, Cher, and Erin's implants. Heather is captain of the blue team. Magdalena picks Rodeo, Brandi M., and Sam. Erin picks Mia and Jes, and Heather picks Lacey and Kristia. For her third choice, Erin must pick between crazy Dallas, who is a hazard to mankind, and generally impaired Brandi C., whom she hates. She sucks it up and goes with Brandi. This, of course, means that Dallas is on the team with her favorite person in the world, Lacey. Bret tells the girls he wants them to go hard, fast, heavy, and to get to it. He's never uttered those words in succession before, I bet.

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Rock of Love

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