Rock of Love

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Motocross

The first team to complete four laps on the track, in relay fashion, wins the prize. The first leg has Brandi M., Jes, and Lacey facing off. Lacey says she's confident and determined to win the date with Bret. And then what happens? Let's let Dallas narrate: "I was picked last, and meanwhile Lacey fucking fell and fucking ate it two seconds into the motherfucker." I could not have put it more succinctly. Lacey really does bite it, and then is super-slow to recover. Heather even interviews, "Get the fuck back on the bike, bitch, you're my strongest player, GOD." Lacey can't figure out how to get her bike to start working again, and Dallas can't believe this dumb bitch is going to lose it for them. Meanwhile, Brandi M. and Jes appear to be neck and neck. Heather finally asks if she can help Lacey, and Bret tells her that Lacey is trying to start it in gear. I don't know what any of that means, but add me to the chorus calling Lacey a dumb-ass. Bret is loving watching the girls race, by the way. Heather finally gets Lacey going again, right around the time that Brandi M. and Jes are back at the starting point.

Jes hands off the bike to Brandi C., who is stoked because she looks so good in her outfit. I'd mention the fact that she has a helmet covering her face, but I'm not the type of person to make fun of another's disability. Sam takes the second leg for the pink team, and Kristia -- who appears to be a fan of the slow and steady method of racing -- takes it for the blue team. With the purple team in the lead, Erin jumps on the bike for leg three, and Magdalena is the pink team's third rider. Heather takes the bike for the blue team, and tries to haul ass to make up for all the time dumb-fuck Lacey lost. Mia is the last rider for the purple team, which is in first place. Brandi C. thinks they can take it. Until, that is, Rodeo jumps on her bike and takes off. Rodeo is like the wind through my tree, man.

The blue team is still in last place, and it's all up to Dallas. Yeah. Bret tells us that Dallas takes off at about fifty miles an hour, which is enough to kill someone. She hauls ass in a wobbly fashion until she hits the first bump and goes flying right the hell off the bike. I mean, she flies, the bike flies. We even get a slow-motion replay, which so far has I think only happened when Tiffany was upside down on the stripper pole with her legs wide open and there were squeaky noises as she slid down. This is a big deal, is what I'm saying. Dallas lands hard on the ground, and Heather and Bret, both thinking she might be dead, run to her. The girls look concerned -- with the exception of Lacey, who is grinning like the Cheshire dumb bitch. Thankfully, Dallas is okay, and will live to torture Lacey for another day. She gets back on the bike and prepares to haul ass, but the bike totally flies away from under her legs. This is why I only ride the motocross at Dave and Busters.

The race is down to Mia and Rodeo. In the words of Rodeo herself: "Mia thinks she can ride, but she has nothing on me. Not a damn thing. I'm gonna ride that damn bike like she's never seen anybody ride a motorcycle." And indeed, Rodeo rides the night next to Mia, then leads her through moonlight only to burn her with the sun. And a fiery hot burn it is. Rodeo says, in the continuation of a soliloquy that will be used for hundreds of high-school drama auditions henceforth and win Holly Hunter a Golden Globe for her performance in Lifetime's The Rock Of Love Story: "I'm coming over that hill, and there's another hill that I've gotta go over. And I see that good-looking man waving that flag and all I wanna do is jump that hill right into his arms!" If she actually could do this while riding the motorcycle events would take a tragic, yet awesome, turn indeed. Like a house on fire, Rodeo wins it for the pink team! She says, "I rode it like a Rodeo should, and I think it turned his ass ON! Nnn HUH HUH HUH HUH! Nnn huh HUH HUH HUH!" Rodeo's triumph will be celebrated for generations. Magdalena and Sam will get their date tonight, while Rodeo and Brandi M. will cavort with Bret tomorrow. They both start laughing and totally look like mother and daughter. Sorry, Rodeo. Rodeo gives a yee-haw for good measure, and we're out.

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Rock of Love

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