Rock of Love

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Back at the house, the bad girls start a wall of shame with little drawings of each of the girls, just using "natural facts" about them. Admittedly, they are kind of funny, if remarkably similar to the cave wall scratchings of early man. Hot Hammered Heather, for example, has huge breasts, six arms each holding beer bottles, and is on a pole. When archeologists find this sheet of paper in eight hundred years they'll surmise that she's a fertility goddess of some sort. The drawings feature a lot of boobs. Which, true to life. When it's time to draw Jes, Lacey requests really skinny arms and legs and notes that you can see every bone in her body. She thinks they should start calling her "clavicle." Clever. The drawing is thus labeled "Clavical Jes." And to think Jes called these masters of wit stupid bitches.

Meanwhile, Bret's double date with Rodeo and Brandi M. continues with dinner at the Bel Age hotel. Rodeo drones on and on about her garden, and Brandi M. interviews that when you're out with Rodeo, it's hard to get a word in edgewise. Rodeo tells them that when she was a baby, she had five blood transfusions. Jesus, is there anything not wrong with her? Is she actually the original Baby Lakshmi, too? Is she one of the people who got mauled by a tiger at the San Francisco Zoo on Christmas Day? Did she have her cryogenically frozen head transplanted on the body of Mr. World 1956? Her grandmother's blood is the one that saved her life. Back then, there was probably no fancy blood lettering system, so they just put the leeches on and hoped for the best. Rodeo then adds that she collects swords. Brandi M.'s response? "I mean, what the fuck? How does she find time for this shit?" Heh. I think I would cast Dixie Chick Natalie Maines, in her film debut, as Brandi M. in The Rock Of Love Story.

Bret asks the women what turns them on. Brandi, between bites of mashed potatoes, calmly states, "Choke me, spank me, pull my hair." Bret asks if there is a rooftop sex room. Brandi burps and snorts, which Bret finds charming. Rodeo interviews that she has a lot of class, and that you just do not do that. We cut back to Rodeo telling Bret that she likes it doggie-style. And really, are there two classier words in the English language? Bret doesn't seem particularly impressed. Overall, though, he thought that the date was great and that he got to learn a lot about the girls' personalities and sexual proclivities.

Back at home, Brandi M. and Rodeo show off their bikinis and Bret tries to get some one-on-one time with the girls he hasn't gotten to know very well. He takes Kristia off to his room and asks if she can deal with his lifestyle, where every night on the road is a party. She says that she's chill about that stuff because she has a life also. Bret says that the conversation basically went nowhere. I'm sure the fact that she looks a fright without her makeup has nothing to do with that. Bret is particularly enamored of her tiny ass, however. He then has some alone time with Sam. He starts in about feeling close to her the previous night, and she asks him to look at her when he's talking to her. He says he's looking at her legs and her body. She means her face, and he says he looked at that too. What a prize. Brandi C. loves motocross, and Bret likes making out sloppily with Brandi C. Erin continues her debate team list of reasons for staying and says she's not there for TV or to get famous. Bret looks at her heaving bosom and says, "Obviously." Heh.

Oh, and then there's the Lacey/Dallas drama. Bret gets them both on the outside couch. Lacey starts in with the animal stuff, and Dallas basically tells her that she can have her opinions, and that she doesn't care. Dallas isn't there to date Lacey. And I mean, fair enough. Bret interviews that, on the one side, he did grow up hunting and eating meat, and also Lacey is crazy. However, he hasn't really connected with Dallas. Either way, one of them has to go before someone dies.

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Rock of Love




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