Rock of Love

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YOU GRADE IT
Mud Bowl II

Previously: Kristy Joe had some effing issues. But not as many as Aubrey, the sacrificial trans, who volunteered to leave to give Kristy Joe another shot at touching Bret's backstage pass. It's a lot less poetic when you find out that Aubrey was set to get the boot anyway. Still, the bitch knows how to make a dramatic exit.

It is morning. The girls wake and apply their makeup with a paint roller. Peyton tells us that if she doesn't make headway now -- and I think we all know the way in which head is important on this show -- it might be too late. Big John, with his hair slicked back and a big smile on his face, delivers Bret Mail. It goes as such: "Good morning, my divine nine / Some of you are sweet and some of you are flirty / But what I really want is a girl who can get dirty / So grab your gear, get ready to play tough / Because today is going to be rough. / Love, Bret." Catherine tells us that she's from Montana, and has been getting dirty her whole life. Don't get her started about the great dust storm of 1912. Each girl grabs some gear -- sports gear, that is. Wassagoinon, you may ask? That's right, bitches: Bret's Mudbowl II!

Bret greets the girls, who will once again be divided into teams named "The Sweethearts" and the "Fallen Angels." The team that wins will get to go on a date with Bret, with the MVP enjoying a solo date. Ah, this was precisely the time last year when Jes ignored her instinct to get the fuck out of there and paid the price. The lesson here? If a man in a wig is serenading you, run. Catherine is the captain of the Sweethearts, and Destiney is captain of the Fallen Angels. They each get to pick their teammates. Since there are nine girls total, one will be left out and will have no chance at going on a date with Bret. If these girls are smart, they'll leave out Daisy. Check out the clause that begins that last sentence, and draw your own conclusions. Speaking of Daisy, in the lineup with all the other girls she looks smaller than ever. Seriously, I think she's 3'3". She's like a weird little sex Furby.

Bret goes on to explain that he's from Pittsburgh, the greatest city in all the world, where football is traditionally played in harsh weather conditions. He is not kidding. In Pittsburgh, a game of tag on the elementary school playground is traditionally played in harsh conditions. So today, Bret's playing God. But not in the way of, like, finding a way to fix these girls with stem cells or something. Rather, Big John has a weather machine, and when Bret says the word, he can summon rain, snow, and wind. It is a cold, muddy mess out there. It's like the meteorological equivalent of Angelique's face. As the winner of a coin toss, Destiney gets first pick. Unsurprisingly, she goes with the Jolly Green Inna Tuna Giant. Catherine picks the second manliest contestant of the bunch, Peyton. Destiney goes with former nemesis Kristy Joe, and Catherine then picks Ambre. Ambre apparently loves football, and is feeling good. In a decision that is heavily questioned by Inna, Destiney picks Daisy next. Maybe someone will break her and then we won't have to think about her anymore. Whee! Catherine takes Jessica for her final pick, which means that Megan has to sit the game out on the sidelines. Megan seems just as happy to stay out of the mud.

Bret tells us that he wants to see strategy, athleticism, and skills. Don't forget the muddy tits, Bret. The game begins, and there is a lot of sliding around in the mud. Ambre is ready to impress Bret with her skills as a receiver. And then she gets a touchdown! Who knew? Inna, despite her status as Bret's little Ukranian love bus and the physique of Jerome "The Bus" Bettis, is not so impressive, and also has no clue how to play football. Ambre withstands a pretty brutal-looking tackle and scores another touchdown for the sweethearts. Bret wants to get into her muddy pants, and says that two touchdowns in a row is a huge turn-on. I don't want to even tell you what happens to Bret when Ben Roethlisberger is having a good game. Daisy tells us that Ambre is really the only "Stupidhearts" player who is getting in their way -- the other girls don't even know what a football is. Tough talk from someone who thought she scored a touchdown, only to discover that she in fact had carried her own boob across the goal line.

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Rock of Love

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