Rock of Love

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Once A Cowgirl

Back at home, Catherine feels like she's on death row. She's so depressed that she lies on her bed with her cowboy boots still on. Ambre is still all banged up, but she won't let a little thing like open wounds interfere with her time with Bret. Cut to the smokers' lounge, where Catherine is whining to Peyton and Inna. Inna tells her not to freak out, and then interviews that it sucks, but that "she" deserves to go home. Really, Inna could be talking about anyone. Wah wah horsecakes. Peyton tries to comfort Catherine, but not in a '60s soft-porn vampire movie way. Yet.

It's date time! Bret collects Kristy Joe, Ambre, and a particularly whorish Destiney. Destiney is psyched, but wishes that Kristy Joe wasn't on the date with them because she's full of shit and Destiney doesn't like her. Plus, Kristy Joe refuses to try on the shoes Destiney got at Ye Olde Drag Queen Shoppe. Uppity. I am seriously amazed, though, that no one has yet thought to call this bitch "Kristy Ho." Heather and her tatters would have been all over that. Bret takes the girls to a restaurant called Opaque, where you dine finely in total darkness. While normally I think I would have a panic attack caused by imagining that I'm biting down on dozens of poached cockroaches, in this situation the lack of vision has certain advantages. Their server is blind. Yay for equal opportunity? He leads them to their table in the dark. Kristy Joe interviews that she's determined to have fun. How awkward is it going to be when two feminine hands bump into each other while going for a squeeze of Bret's balls?

Kristy Joe gets the seat of honor next to Bret, and uses it to her full advantage. While Ambre prattles on about something or other, a night-vision camera allows us to see Kristy Joe sticking her tongue in Bret's ear, nuzzling his neck, sucking his finger (and if there's a better way to contract MRSA, I haven't heard of it), etc. Eventually, Ambre notices Bret's utter lack of responsiveness to her conversational efforts, and asks what's going on. She tells us that it was pitch black, and that all she could hear was some rustling. Bret acknowledges to everyone that Kristy Joe just pinched his nipples. She then kind of kicks him. She's like an overexcited cat. One minute it's all happy purring, and the next you have teeth marks on your hand and a bloody forearm. Bret tells us that, after a certain point, it started to turn him off a little bit.

Eventually, the blind waiter comes over and asks whether anyone would like to switch seats. Kristy Joe says that she's good, and Destiney replies, "Don't be selfish, bitch!" Michael helps Destiney up, and the night-vision camera operators get a primo cooch shot. Seriously, her dress is so short that I don't think there's any way it could cover the entire labia majora. Destiney and Ambre switch seats, so that Ambre can get some time next to Bret. And then Destiney and Kristy Joe go to the bathroom together, leaving Ambre and Bret alone. Ambre wastes no time in telling Bret that she wants to kiss him, and there is lots of slurping and heavy breathing and whatnot. And at one point, Ambre totally has her eyes open! It's all very Britney And Kevin: Chaotic and is generally what gonorrhea looks like. Ambre thinks it's the hottest and sexiest kiss ever, and thinks, "I hope this is Bret I'm kissing." Wouldn't it be quite a twist if it were actually Ed Asner? Ambre wants to keep this special moment a secret. Kristy Joe and Destiney return. Bret and the girls leave, and the restaurant owners are left to fumigate.

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Rock of Love

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