Rock of Love

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Previously: Bret thought that falling in love would be awesome. Even after he saw the skanks and former men vying for said love. Courtney did what the rest of us would do and drank her ass off, passing out before she could make it to elimination. And then stripper Jackie rejected Bret! For her own anxiety issues, though, not because she finds it ridiculous to compete for the affection of a middle-aged wig-wearing Botox addict. This gave octogenarian Ambre a second chance to make Bret her lovre.

It is morning. And gah! Angelique sleeping looks like a scene right out of Where the Wild Things Are. Niki explains to us that four of the eliminated girls have gone home, while one is still in the house. Yes, it is drunk-ass Courtney. When she wakes, Peyton has to break the news to Courtney that her tour ends here. Once Courtney scrapes the fuzz off of her tongue, she calls herself a dumb [expletive]. I like to think that she channeled Tiffany on that one, but I guess we'll never know for sure. As she lugs her bags down the stairs, Peyton, in her three-packs-a-day Patty and Selma Bouvier voice, yells, "Stay off the sauce!" I kind of love her. Courtney tells us that she came to the show with a full intention of falling in love. She's a sweet girl and a caring girl, she says, but is also apparently a blackout-drunk girl. And if that's not what Bret's looking for, she says, maybe he's better off. Who ever thought that Bret would pass up a blackout-drunk girl? Credit where credit is due.

As the girls make themselves up, Sara confesses that her parents don't know she's there. And! She applied for the show as a dare. What could the "truth" question have been to make this seem like a more appealing option? You know it was like, "Have you ever killed a puppy?" For shame, Sara puppy-killer! Inna Tuna is pissed off, and wants Bret to find out. Her strategy for this is to tell loudmouth Aubrey the truth about "whatshername, the Indian one." Manjula? Inna Tuna is certain that Aubrey will tell Bret. For her part, Sara doesn't seem to be trying to keep this a secret. She tells how it all went down:

Sara's friends: You're not gonna do it.
Sara: Watch me do it!
Sara's friends: You're not gonna do it.
Sara: Watch me do it!

Scintillating. Aubrey, whose perma-bandana must be there to cover up her hormone therapy patches, can't wait to tell Bret. She notices Bret throwing a football around with Big John, and figures she can throw a ball, kinda. Something tells me that Aubrey can kinda do a lot of things with a ball. Bret is wearing a Steelers shirt, holla. Aubrey throws the ball poorly so Big John has to retrieve it, then announces, "Let's talk!" to Bret. She asks what Bret is looking for in a woman, and gives "sincerity" and "honesty" as examples of appropriate answers. Poor, deluded, she-male Aubrey. Bret tells her that physical attraction and chemistry are the most important things, though at some point you have to have "some form of honesty." Some form of honesty? Is that like Bret saying he still has "some form of hair" on the top of his head? As I once read on a bottlecap, the truth, much like Bret's weave after a long night of fraternizing with his 20 new lady loves, is slippery like eels. Aubrey spills the beans about Sara and the dare, and Bret doesn't seem to care, saying that sometimes the best relationships form by accidents. And the best babies. (Hi Mom!) Bret, not knowing if all of this is true or if it's part of Aubrey's strategy, is going to take a bit and think this over. I thought I smelled something burning.

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Rock of Love

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