Rock of Love

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Potes: A | Grade It Now!

Aubrey is the first to go, and her talent is playing the drums. Suffice it to say that Aubrey is completely unfamiliar with the concepts of either drumming or rhythm. She gets no extra 15 seconds. Destiney does some kick-ass kung-fu moves, and it kind of turns Bret on. She gets another token, and thanks God for the privilege. Everyone in Kenya is like, "If only He hadn't been so transfixed by the kung-fu." Niki is next with her poem, which begins, "Here I stand before you, with my heart worn on my sleeve / God I am so nervous, I can barely breathe." Now Bret knows what it's like to be on the receiving end of a Bret Mail. Niki does not get an extra token. And then Korie writes "Merry Me" on chart paper. Even Bret knows that it's spelled "Marrey." He isn't impressed. There's another poem from Catherine, which doesn't impress Bret either.

So what is Kristy Joe's talent, you're wondering? Ironing while displaying her bodacious tatas in a red bra. Angelique says, "But zese girls, zey don't get eet...eez a peepshow booszz...stop ironing, start streeping! Get nekkid, ya know?" Nonetheless, Bret, having noticed that his bandana-front weaves have appeared a bit wrinkly lately, drops in a token. This means Kristy Joe can finish that stubborn button-down shirt. Seriously, I would need to be in the booth for 18 minutes to finish one pair of pants. OH! But as her extra fifteen seconds begins, Kristy Joe rips off her wifebeater. I have never seen Bret's eyes that far outside of his head. The eyeliner practically goes with them. He says he's going to come through the glass in a minute, then, I kid you not, asks her to start ironing again. He interviews, "I know people think I'm crazy, but ironing does turn me on." Imagine how excited he gets when a woman busts out the Murphy's Oil!

Next up is Megan, and Bret has to move to the edge of his seat before she even begins. Megan's talent is apparently patriotism, as she is wearing a stars and stripes bikini and puts three thongs -- red, white, and blue -- into her "empty magic bag." Bret, wanting very much to get into her empty magic bag himself, puts a token in the machine. The three thongs turn American flag. Yes, friends, this is what our soldiers overseas are fighting for. Bret says, "Nothing can make me stand at attention better than an American flag," which is of course really a boner comment. We even get a "boing!" sound effect. Roxy gives Megan a "bravo," and says she's thinking outside the box. Bret is certainly thinking inside the box. And then Sara! She has jingly things all over. Bret is offended that she did a belly dance without showing her belly, and thinks she's shown very little effort. Oh, and then Inna Tuna. Bret gets up close to the glass to see her tie the cherry stem in a knot with her tongue. Jessica tells us that she could do this with her toes. And truly, if you didn't believe in Darwin before, this show really solidifies the kinship between us and our primate brothers and sisters. I think I saw Inna Tuna picking bugs out of Aubrey's hair and eating them for breakfast. Bret loves Tuna.

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Rock of Love




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