Rock of Love

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Premiere

As Bret drives up to the girls in a fast car, I want a ticket to anywhere. Maybe we can make a deal that Bret won't talk about his boners if I don't mention his wig? Yeah, that won't work. A girl named Daisy, who is porn-pretty, which is to say "gross," says she's nervous. Ambre, who looks like she's 112 next to this crowd of young 'uns, says that seeing Bret took her breath away. She probably misplaced her oxygen tank again. Bret, with all the enthusiasm he can muster for someone who is choosing to live a groundhog day of humiliation, says that he was blown away by the beautiful girls, and he felt like a lucky man. Does Bret think we're somehow watching this in Braille? He explains to the women that he would like to leave this season finding someone he could really fall in love with. He's looking for physical attraction, chemistry, connection, funny, smart, sexy. And I mean, now is not the time to talk about parallel lists. Bret wants the whole ball of wax. If he did a couple of ear checks with this crew, I bet he could find it. He suggests that everyone go in the house, get naked, and have an awesome party to facilitate the matchmaking process. He introduces Big John and greets him by saying -- you guessed it -- "Wassagoinon?" The rules are the same as last season -- respect the gear, don't enter Bret's room unless escorted or invited, and keep the puking to a minimum.

Kristy Joe tells us she was nervous that some ladies would get cut right off the bat, since that's what happened last season. Bret explains that he wants all decisions about who stays and goes to be made by him. He then picks four ladies to hang for a minute and sends the rest of the women into the house. Aubrey -- who is so versatile that she can do drag either as Bret or Christina Aguilera -- is relieved. And then someone who looks like Aubrey, but apparently isn't, walks outside and in a French accent exclaims, "I want to have some sex wis Bret in zis pool." I...uh, okay. I just need a minute to let this one digest before I can adequately comment. A superficially normal-seeming girl named Korie runs straight to the bar and pours drinks. And I believe they're drinking the shot commonly referred to as a Blow Job. I'm sure you're as surprised as I am. Back outside, Big John tells the four ladies who were held back -- Daisy, Destiney, Erin and Megan -- that they're Bret's VIPs. They get a special VIP suite with champagne and presents and big posters of a shirtless Bret. More importantly, they'll each get alone time with Bret tonight. They celebrate good times, come on. Aubrey discovers the VIP bitches and is incensed. Something tells me there will be more outrage later in the season about certain Aubrey-related discoveries.

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Rock of Love

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