Rock of Love

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Premiere

Welcome back, dicksucker whorebags! And for those dicksucker whorebags who are new, you need to prove your mettle on the pole before you can continue. Hope you've been working on those inner thighs!

We get a voiceover: "Outside this L.A. bachelor pad, 20 babes have gathered because they have two things in common: their love for rock n' roll, and for one man who has made it his life." That sounds familiar. Come on, VH1, write some new copy. Hasn't Bret been humiliated enough? But then...no!!! He apparently hasn't, as he appears on our screen wearing Amy Winehouse levels of eyeliner, a double-wide bandana with a print that looks like what you'd see if you looked at one of his pubes through a microscope and, it must be said, a wig made from Tracy Austin's ponytails. And one side is, like, two inches longer than the other. He also looks awfully...shiny. And puffy. I'm not saying he's had Botox. However, he might have borrowed Nicole Kidman's 2006 face at least for this premiere episode. He wants to find the one girl who can compete with his one true love -- that bitch goddess he calls, "Rock n' roll." VH1 offered to help him with his quest, but things didn't quite turned out as he planned, and he got dumped on national TV. Happily, VH1 asked Bret if he'd like to take another gander at finding his one true lady love. He hopes this time it will be bigger and better. Oh my God, I don't think I can take circus tits bigger than Erin's. I'm still seeing spots from those suckers.

So here, Bret tells us, is where he's at in his life right now. He's 40 years old, he's been engaged but never married, and he also spends nine months of the year on the road. Okay, first of all, I can't stop looking at his lopsided ponytail. Also, he's 44, and will be 45 in March. He's on the road so much that he apparently has never heard of "the internet," so he decided to shave a few years off. Or maybe trying to subtract 1963 from 2008 gave him a headache, so he decided to round down. The woman who is going to be with Bret and accept his lifestyle, he says, has to be very special.

If by "special" Bret means "kind of haggard and skanky with questionable fashion sense and an IQ just below 80 and a 30% chance of having formerly been a man, baby," then he is in luck! A blonde named Megan tells us that she is drawn to Bret like a nun to a convent. Okay, issues. Plus her boobs are saggy. Peyton, who is maybe Rodeo 2.0 except a lot less funny and a whole lot scarier, says that she's not leaving until she gets what she came for. If it's the clap that she wants, she's in luck. And then a girl whose name I first thought was "Tuna," speaks to us in Russian. She wants to fuck Bret first, and then she'll make love to him. Her name is actually "Inna." That's short for "Inna and Outta." Oh, and then there's bisexual Destiney, who apparently took a detour en route to the Tila Tequila show. If she's not getting it from Bret, she's going to find a hot, sexy girl to make out with. This means she'll be spending a lot of time outside of the house.

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Rock of Love

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