Rock of Love

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Red, White, And A Little Blue

Previously: Bret boiled down womanhood to its three essential types: sweet and innocent, earthy, and hot and sexy. I think "earthy" means old. And "hot and sexy" means a miracle of silicone technology. And "sweet and innocent" means a tramp in disguise. That sounds about right. Daisy and Bret were in looooove, while Kristy Joe hogged Bret and stuck her tongue in his ear at every available opportunity. His head said forget it, but his heart was still smokin'. And Bret, please do not call me at the station. The lines are permanently closed to the likes of you. Inna Tuna worried about her status and is going to try to get her connection back with Bret, e.g. get access to his room long enough to blow him.

We get some external shots of the house. It is morning. The camera angle, as we see evidence of the previous night's debauchery upon a backdrop of the house, is such that for a second I thought someone had constructed a giant can of Bret's Brew. Seriously, it looks half as tall as the house. Bret's Brew: the drink of Brobdingnagians everywhere. Inna Tuna wakes up feeling bummed out. She needs a plan, and quick. She meets Bret outside by the pool, interrupting his sunrise meditation on the mantra, "Every night has its dawn." Inna tells Bret how hard it is to see him make a connection with other people. Her feelings are getting involved. Bret thinks Inna is beautiful, but he needs her to step up to the plate and take a swing. And he has just the bat for her.

Bret Mail! "Good morning ladies / You've shown me how much you care / Competing hard and playing fair / Now it's time for red, white and blue / A patriotic dream come true / Get yourselves pretty and meet me at the grand hall in an hour." Oh my God, are the girls going to get to moderate a Clinton/Obama debate? Whoever takes a spin on the pole first wins. Which means...Rock of Love house goes to Obama! That's bound to be a well-appointed delegate.

The girls meet Bret, who is standing with...Judith Light in a wig and blue leotard? And Tippi Hedren, dressed in one of the exotic animals from her sanctuary? The ladies see some red, white, and blue props including hula hoops and drums, which is further cause for confusion. Turns out that Big John and Bret are both huge supporters of the U.S. troops, and just came back from a tour of Iraq. I guess when you've been in the desert for a year, a guy in a wig singing hits from the year you turned one must be pretty exciting. Bret introduces Judith and Tippi as Joan Arlene and Shirley Claire, respectively. Turns out they are U.S.O. performers who have been performing since 1956. Today, they're going to teach the contestants how to collect scrap metal and buy war bonds. And also how to put on their very own patriotic show, in which the ladies will be performing later in the day to an audience of veterans and active service personnel. This is a tribute as fitting as the American flag bikini. Bret wants to see some real talent in this U.S.O. show. Well, then, I suggest he invite Kathy Griffin to perform. There will be three duo acts, and one solo. The girls have one hour to prepare, and whoever wins will get a date with Bret.

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Rock of Love




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