Rock of Love

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Reunited and It Feels Like a Punch to the Head

Woo! It's Rock of Love 2 reunion time! With our host, Rikki Rachtman. It gives me great pleasure to tell you that Rikki Rachtman, once the bad-ass host of Headbanger's Ball, is sporting a greasy pompadour and looks like a member of Sha Na Na. He says, "Dip dip dip dip dip," and we're on our way!

Rikki reminds us that eight months ago, at the season one reunion, Bret was unceremoniously dumped by his initial Rock of Love, Jes. Or as she is more commonly known, "Jes, the hero of a nation." But he rebounded quickly enough to allow VH1 to assemble a new crop of 20 skanks willing to show their silicone parts to best advantage. And here they are! Stripper Jackie! Ukranian Love Bus Inna Tuna! Ashley? Roxy? Oh, and then we get a shenis double play with Aubrey and Angelique. Excellent. Then there is Catherine, and two strangers named Korie and Niki, plus fellow early ejectees Erin and Courtney. Then there are some people we do know -- Jessica, Daisy, Peyton and Destiney, followed by stranger Missi, then sadly not strangers Megan and Kristy Joe. I think we are missing someone, but it doesn't seem like anyone we'd care about, so I won't dwell. And then there's Big John! He will always be Bret's true Rock of Love.

And speaking of Bret, here he is! He emerges from a cloud of smoke, and several members of the audience wonder if they're having strokes. Do not fret, beloved audience -- it is just the stench of burnt wig. Bret is wearing a bandana and cowboy hat and has maybe had a Botox refresher. Rikki notes that Rock of Love has gotten so big that even Saturday Night Live and Letterman have parodied the show. Bret thought that the SNL parody was killer, and pretty accurate. Rikki asks Peyton what she thought, and she shows her absolute lack of aural comprehension skills by talking about how she and Bret were attracted to each other, even if they didn't have a particular connection. Bret then brings up the fact that they actually did get some face time, and Peyton denies ever saying "face time." She says it in the EXACT manner of the SNL skit, though. Face time! It's how she'll forever be known. I have to say that Peyton looks good, and a lot less haggard. Small victories.

Rikki reminds us that nothing was as crazy as the insanity inside the house, which was helped along by the most hilarious French import since Pepe Le Peu. In all fairness, we never got to see Pepe smearing homemade chocolate mousse on his boobs. He chose to keep those moments private, which I respect. But Rikki is of course talking about Angelique. We get a montage of Angelique exposing her bodacious tatas and her vag, and talking about how good she's going to fuck Bret. We also get some select clips of Aubrey talking trash about Angelique, her shemale twin. Rikki calls Angelique up to the stage. Why do all of her dresses always look like they lost a battle with the shredder? I doubt that she is really in that much danger of identity theft. And -- whoa! With her hair straightened and a choker necklace on, Angelique bears a stunning resemblance to Tori Spelling. No wonder David Silver became such a meth face.

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Rock of Love




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