It's the Rock of Love: Bus reunion! Where our belated reality Easter baskets are filled with punches to the head and drunken smack talk. Lame? You be the judge. Riki Rachtman is once again our host, looking more than ever like a member of Sha-Na-Na. He keeps the hair grease industry in business. We quickly review last year, when Bret chose Ambre to be his second rock of love and then chose to make some more money by dumping her in favor of a third season. This year, he decided the only way he could find a woman who could handle his lifestyle was to take his gaggle of skanks on the road with him. There were 23 women, two tricked-out buses, and a strange burning sensation that we couldn't quite identify. Magic ensued.
Riki has us say hello to the women of Rock of Love: Bus, about a third of whom I totally don't remember. There's Ashley, who's clearly drunk already, Natasha, Jamie, Brittaney, Megan (who?), Nikki aka DJ Lady Tribe, Beverly, Farrah, Melissa of the popped boob, Kelsey who looks totally different and kind of gross with long dark hair that accentuates her vampire teeth, Heather (who?), Marcia (yay!), Gia (twat shot!), Mindy, Brittanya, Samantha (who?), Maria, Marci (who?), Constandina, Jennifer, and Kami. And then there's the prettiest of them all, Big John! Riki then welcomes a true icon in the world of rock n' roll. Don't get too excited, it's just Bret. He emerges from a cloud of smoke, probably because he has to be fumigated before interfacing with the public. He has some facial hair that makes him look more like a vagina than ever. Riki notes that Bret always has smoking chicks around him, and asks if he ever just wants to settle in with a cup of Sleepytime tea and a good book. Bret deadpans that that's never happened. Because he's illiterate. Best Lifetime movie ever.
Riki notes that Bret was looking for a sensual, beautiful, spiritual woman... who hadn't taken a vow of celibacy. Yes, everyone, it's time to get an update on Constandina! First we get a Constandina highlight reel, which is something like taking a tour of Cracktown, which lies halfway between the foot of the Appalachian mountains and outer space. We do get to relive Bret saying, "Taj Ma-hiyo!" which is pretty awesome. We then see Constandina talking about her religious vow not to have "all the way" sex for three years, and she takes the stage. She looks good, if still crazy after all these months. Riki asks her if she's still celibate. Constandina is not only back to riding the pole, but she's doing so with her new husband! Yes, she's married. She moved to Nashville and met a great guy who she then married on Christmas Eve in Times Square with the Naked Cowboy presiding. How spiritual of her! Someone from the audience yells out, "Was it Bret?" Awesome. Bret says that the naked cowboy is his brother.