And then, there are comments from the vodka tonic gallery as Kelsey yells out drunkenly that Natasha does porn. Natasha is proud of it, and yells, "Six figures!" over and over. This only prompts Kelsey to yell, "Okay, Nathaniel." This, in turn, prompts Natasha to knock Kelsey the fuck off of her stool and, apparently, beat the shit out of her. Unlike Amy Ray, Natasha does have a need for anger with intimate strangers. We don't get to see the nitty gritty, but it appears that Kelsey has to be carried off the stage, so good times! I think the move that Natasha just pulled is called "the speed bump." We head to commercials so Big John can mop up the blood and hair extensions.
When we return, Riki reminds all the girls that violence does not rock the bus or anything else, and that you can probably get sued and stuff for knocking another girl's clock, so they should cool it. It is then time to focus on the final two. Riki turns to Bret and gives him a quick quiz: Ginger or Mary Ann? Bret replies that Ginger is sexy, but for some reason he just wanted to nail Mary Ann. This is evidence of deep psychic something, probably idiocy. We get a Mindy and Bret montage. There was chemistry. There was leopard print lingerie. There were sexy times. There were also tears, and funks. Bret wanted Mindy to spit out her feelings, marking the first time he ever asked a girl to spit anything. Mindy did not win, proving her theorem that she always loses at love.
Mindy comes on stage, and she really does look pretty. She and Bret totally make out for a minute, but the camera cuts away before we can see him grab her boob. He has to turn around before sitting back down, and yells over his shoulder, "Hold on, I'm adjusting." A class act, that one! And then it's time for Riki's soliloquy. Season one, Bret picked Jes. She wasn't what they thought, but Riki felt that Bret made the right choice. Daisy is one of Riki's best friends (really?), but in season two he thinks Bret also made the right choice in choosing Ambre. This year, Riki thinks that Bret made the wrong choice. Hiyo! Bret does not likey. Riki says this is not a dis on Taya, but she sucks and Mindy was by far the less annoying of the two options. I'm with him on that one.
Riki then asks Mindy how, in a season with such deep divisions, she got along with most of the girls pretty well. Mindy says that she was one of the more real people on the cast, without anything to hide or any ulterior motives. She's just Mindy, and sometimes that's annoying but at least she's upfront about it. Farrah and Ashley look bored out of their gourds. Riki points out that, even though this show is a total stunt, real feelings are involved and hearts get broken. Bret acknowledges that it's hard to travel in such close quarters and not get emotionally involved at some point. Riki asks what made Mindy stand out, and Bret says that she was the most sincere about wanting to find a relationship. Mindy says that's true, and then busts out that she was in love with Bret and he really broke her heart. Her only regret was that she never looked at him and told him that she was in love with him. Oh, boy. Stop now, Mindy, stop now! She doesn't. Even Big John gets a tear in his eye, of embarrassment and shame. Mindy says that she left her heart on the tour bus. There hasn't been a single day where she hasn't thought about Bret and missed him, and one day it hit her that she never actually told Bret that she was so in love with him that she couldn't see straight. Bret tells her that if she had said that on the show, things might have turned out different. He thinks, however, that he and Mindy are going to be very close for a long time. This means that he wants to eff her backstage, I think. Someone needs to invent a He's Just Not That Into You book club for Mindy to join. Do not be friends with this man, Mindy! Give us a call, girlfriend, and we will tell you all about it. Do you guys think we can form some sort of Facebook support group for Mindy? I'm kind of worried about her now.