Rock of Love

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Previously: Catfighting. Pole-dancing. Lacey is quite possibly insane, and kind of so is Rodeo.

We enter just after Kristia and Dallas have been eliminated. Things in the house are getting crazy, which I'm sure comes as a great surprise. Brandi C. is sad that her best friend Kristia was eliminated, so opts to drown her sorrows in some booze. Amidst all the revelry, Rodeo looks kind of serious. Normally, she'd be up on the pole with the rest of them, but she says she all of a sudden realized that she missed her son. Kids are such the buzzkill. She removes herself from the crowd, and Lacey, seeing this mini-breakdown as an opportunity to advance her own nefarious advancement, goes to get Bret. We cut to Bret holding a weeping and wailing Rodeo in the bathroom. Bret tells us that he consoled her and also shared how much he missed his girls. It made him feel closer to Rodeo, but at the same time he wonders how long she's going to last in the house of rock. I bet Tiffany never even would have thought about her kid once! Buck up, Rodeo.

Meanwhile, Brandi C. is wasted, and standing in the yard in her underwear. I mean, not that she doesn't do that while she's sober, but still. Jes calls her "drunkarooski," which I find hilarious. Brandi C. doesn't care to talk to the other girls now that Kristia's gone; she's going to focus her attentions on Bret. She waits outside the B.A.M.B. room until Big John tells her that it's not going to happen tonight. Her whining has no effect on the big man, and she starts crying. To ease the pain of missing her son, I think Rodeo should just hang around Brandi C., who often seems like she's seven.

The next morning, the girls are called to attention by the dulcet tones of Bret's harmonica. That's legendary harp player Bret "One-Eyed Snake Dickey Stabone Male Pattern Baldness Suffering Sugar Shock Monkey Foot" Michaels to you. Since music is the most important thing in Bret's life -- which makes one wonder why he insists on committing crimes in its name year after year -- he wants his special lady to be creative as well. For today's challenge, the girls will have the opportunity, in teams of two, to write lyrics to one of two songs from his solo album, and then perform them. One is a hard, uptempo rock song, and one is a ballad. I would choose the latter, and entitle it "Every Nose Has Its Corn," about the temptation and dangers of inserting niblets in questionable orifices. The overarching theme that the girls have to work with is "Love is." Hasn't that been done by the twee little bulbous naked people already?

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Rock of Love

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