Rock of Love

Episode Report Card
Potes: A | Grade It Now!
YOU GRADE IT
Riff It Good

Bret asks Heather how much longer she thinks she'll be stripping. She says that she gave herself a five-year span, and has been doing it for four and a half years, so she has six months left. Maggie interviews that every stripper will tell you she's quitting, but that Heather won't, because she doesn't know how to do anything else. Heather tells Bret that she had to put herself through college and has $45,000 in student loans. Sallie Mae: putting girls on the pole since 1946. Bret has a big heart and a lot of affection toward dancers, and the fact that Heather wants to go someplace else in life made him feel much more emotionally bonded to her. And really, I have no hate toward strippers either. You do what you have to do. I will note, however, that it's a profession that really seems to age you. But I'm sure Heather makes a lot more money than I do, and has a great supply of sparkly tassels to boot.

The waitress brings out two electric guitars, which are Maggie's and Heather's prizes for winning the challenge. Bret's not ready to go back to the house yet, so Heather proposes that they get hammered and get tattoos and piercings. Perhaps already partially hammered, Heather says that she'll get Bret's name tattooed on her neck. And I have to say, when I'm describing this show to people who have never seen it, I'm always like, "And then this one girl got 'Bret' tattooed ON HER NECK!" and they just look at me in abject horror. Heather: not in possession of the best judgment. Though Bret, looking into her eyes and hearing this, thinks she may be The One. And I mean, do these two ever deserve each other or what? Bret interviews, "This is hot, and this is commitment, but I wanted Heather's tattoo to be something that would be very private between me and Heather. I was going to wait for a solo date." On TV. While you still have a bevy of hos back at your rented TV house. Oh yeah. That's private. That's commitment.

The girls and Bret head home and do some shots in the limo. They triple kiss, and Bret tells us that once he starts partying, he just has to keep partying. After a certain age, isn't it unbecoming to use "party" as a verb? Bret literally stumbles into the house with the girls. Jes tells us that they all came back from their date totally trashed. We see Heather take off her shirt, and Jes tells us that this is probably the 139th time she's seen Heather's tits. Lacey is hanging around wearing a freaking bodysuit. The hell? Bret plays harmonica as Heather dances toplessly and approaches Brandi sexily. Heather is all about the adverbs right now. Sam comes out of her room and looks at the scene in horror. Everyone is kind of dancing around and drinking, and Brandi M. sits to the side looking like she's going to hurl. Heather smashes a guitar. Toplessly. Bret interviews that the party got out of control, and that he thought it might possibly kill him, and not in a good-dying way. We then see some hos sneaking into Bret's room. Bret tells us that by the end of the night, the troops had fallen off. Those who remained were the incomparable Brandi C., Heather, and Lacey. They all join Bret on his bed. He tells us he knows for a fact that this isn't what he needs to do, and that it's going to cost him his soul, but that it's going to be hot lovin'. He hangs his hat on the door, and we hear him tell the girls to wait a minute because he has to take care of something. That would be trying to get his flaccid drunken member to stand at attention, to which I say good luck, liver spots.

The next morning, Brandi C. is excited for her date. Bret stumbles out to the kitchen, having woken up naked in a puddle of his own drool and pretty much feeling like death. It is these moments that make you vow never to drink again. Once, just out of college, I went out on a rager that involved copious amounts of whiskey, and woke up the next morning in bed with my best friend, in another friend's apartment, naked from the waist down. I never knew for sure how I got to be in that state, but sadly I think the most likely scenario is that I peed myself. I was all class in my early twenties, which is why I really can't be too hard on these bitches. Over breakfast, the whole crew relives the previous night. Brandi M. interviews that she's pissed at what happened, with the bimbos sneaking in Bret's room and trying to fuck him. She says that, after breakfast, it was time to get down and dirty. This involves some of the JV squad talking serious shit. Brandi M. tells a tale of mooning someone and telling her to kiss her fucking ass. Oooh, who was it? We may never know.

Previous 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8Next

Rock of Love

Comments

SHARE THE SNARK

X

Get the most of your experience.
Share the Snark!

See content relevant to you based on what your friends are reading and watching.

Share your activity with your friends to Facebook's News Feed, Timeline and Ticker.

Stay in Control: Delete any item from your activity that you choose not to share.

The Latest Activity On TwOP