Anyway, Lacey comes out and asks why everyone's so riled up. They all basically want to know what happened in Bret's room, and whether they did it. By "it," they mean "IT." Lacey says she's not saying that anything did or didn't happen. All she will say is that they had a good time. Oh, please. While all the girls were making out with each other, Li'l Bret shriveled up and he passed right the hell out. They then took off his bandana and laughed for a while, and rifled through his wallet. Don't threaten me with a supposed good time. Lacey doesn't understand why everyone's so upset, and Jes forcefully says that she doesn't want to kiss Bret if he just ate Lacey's shit out. And I mean, fair enough. Lacey interviews that all the rumors were flying, and the girls were talking, and she loved it. A very upset Sam says that she wants to go home, and asks how you're supposed to trust someone not to cheat on you when you go into a relationship with him cheating on you. Well, one way to avoid this scenario is not to put yourself in a situation where the object of your affection is dating twenty-four other women simultaneously. I'm just saying. Sam says that it's gross and disgusting and isn't for her. Poor outcast Sam with her dignity and natural breasts.
Big John delivers some Bret Mail. "Sam and Brandi C./You riffed my world with your song/So put on your boots and pull up your chaps/I hope you're ready to roll with me./As for the rest of you rockin' chicks/You'll just have to wait for my elimination picks." And then, it is my favorite Rodeo interview of the whole season. While crying, she gasps out, "I was bummed because my dream date with him was to...ride on a horse...on his land." HAAAAAAAAAAAAA! The "on his land" part kills me.
Bret takes Brandi C. and Sam to Paramount Ranch, where they indeed go horse riding. Bret says that there's nothing sexier than a beautiful woman in a cowboy hat riding a horse. Brandi C. is having a great time, and loves the way the horses smell. Not when they're pooping. Just generally. She then gets a bee in her hat, which is pretty hilarious. There is a mini-montage of Brandi C. squeaking, "Oh my God," and Bret interviews that when you put Sam and Brandi C. together, you really notice that Brandi has a young soul. That's a very nice way to put it. After horse riding, there is a picnic set up, and Bret presents each of the girls with a nice-looking acoustic guitar. Brandi C. sniffs it. Horsey!
Sam says that the date was totally perfect (except for the presence of another ho -- HELLO!), but that she was going to make sure that she got some time to talk with Bret and find out if she could trust him or not. They go off alone. This doesn't bother Brandi C. because, as she says, they're going off to talk about issues they already have, and they're not even together. Sam would seriously be way too much drama for Bret. Sam tells Bret that things like the recent possible foursome have made her rethink her stay. She has trust issues because her father cheated on her mother. She interviews that she understands how it might be hard to say no to all the women in the house, but she's not there to get off -- she's there to find a relationship. Again, her relationship-finding methods are kind of questionable. Bret shares tales of his parents' divorce, and thinks they're connecting. They make out for a while, and Sam decides to stay. Bret feels something with her, but doesn't know if he can be in a relationship with someone who doesn't trust him. And I mean...WHO WOULD TRUST HIM? This is why Bret is compatible primarily with dumb-asses. Bret says that with two more girls going home soon, he has to dig down deep and figure out what he's looking for in his life. I thought we already ascertained that it was nothing but a good time?
Elimination! The non-bimbos really hope that Bret boots the bimbos. Rodeo says, "I wish Bret would wake up, and look at me, and say, 'God I want that figure of a mother in my child's eyes in my home.'" What? The one thread that attached Rodeo to comprehensibility has clearly been snipped. After their date, Sam is more into Bret than ever. Heather's hair is very Farrah Fawcett by way of a weed whacker. She makes me want to buy stock in Aqua Net. Bret announces that two women are going home, and says that, tonight, he's doing things a little differently. He calls Rodeo to him and tells her that when she looked at him the other night, he knew she was in some ways asking to go home and spend time with her son. He wants her to go home and see her little boy and give him a hug. The others are all shocked. Bret gives Rodeo his special straw cowboy hat as a parting gift. Not to fret: he's wearing a bandana underneath it. Rock will live on in that hat. It's for the children. Bret says that Rodeo meant a lot to him, but that he could see that the insanity of the house was tearing her apart. He knew Rodeo was missing her boy and had to leave, so he was going to let her leave with dignity. I don't know how much dignity a person can have after we've seen her tits and know she likes it doggie-style, but if Bret wants to escort her up the stairs to the tune of a searing guitar solo, that's fine with me. Rodeo is silent through this whole ordeal, but once outside, she interviews, holding on to the last shred of sanity, "It fills my heart. I'll never let it go. I didn't want to go." And I mean, Bret totally realized that she's nuts and used the whole kid thing as an excuse. Nonetheless, I'm really sad to see her go so early. I guess Holly Hunter will have to settle for a Best Supporting Actress Emmy.