Hi all! First, I must apologize for the lateness of this weecap. Episode 3 really got to me, and I was forced to spend a week in the VD clinic, thus missing my deadline. Inspired by Marcia, I took thrice-daily tequila baths and, thus disinfected, have returned to an acceptable state of health. Thank you for your patience and concern for my whereabouts!

Previously: Marcia + tequila = love. Mindy was boring. Beverly doesn't want her three kids to see her slutting it up with the rest of the hos. And Brittaney Starr was sent back to the set of Gentlemen Prefer Anal 3, where she can hopefully put all of her sweaty, stolen socks to good use.

An American flag flies high as we enter the fourth episode of Rock of Love: Bus, just to remind us what we've come to. Did the founding fathers envision that this great land of ours would be the birthplace of twat shots, I wonder? Maybe Ben Franklin did. Ashley tells us that Brittaney and Melissa went home last night, and there are only ten girls left. She's happy, and can't wait for the lame girls to get sent off. Big John enters whatever sleazebag motel the girls have been holed up in for the night and asks them to come outside. Ashley wonders if they're in trouble because somebody deuced on the bus. (Translation: Did someone discover that I deuced on the bus?) John announces that former model Maria has a medical condition and was rushed to the hospital while everyone else was asleep. The girls are all shocked and saddened. They cared about her so much that no one even noticed she was missing. What a network of friendship and support! We never learn what's wrong with Maria, but I'm guessing she either has raging crabs or a penis.

Bret calls Maria, who sounds awfully weak. She says that when the doctors were trying to take blood and said they couldn't get her to bleed she replied, "I know you can't get me to bleed. Bret has my heart!" That IS weak. Bret gives the helpful PSA that sometimes the road and a serious medical condition don't mix. Maria apparently isn't supposed to have any visitors, but Bret's a rule-breaker and he's going to show that hospital things it's never seen. He says he's going to miss Maria, and we see him entering the automatic doors of what is presumed to be the hospital where Maria is staying. Best of luck to her -- she was actually attractive (if a little stiff of face) and seemed pretty cool for a Rock of Love contestant.